Jesica's Journey

Jesica. 6.4.76 - 10.9.09

2009-10-10T09:04:00.000-07:00

Yesterday at approximately 3pm, Jesica breathed her last breath.

Her long hard fought battle with ovarian cancer is over.

It's time ...

2009-09-03T10:01:00.000-07:00

to start facing forward and making some really hard decisions. The doctor said yesterday that she "doesn't think I have much more than 6 months."

We're going to do another round of the Gemzar next Friday and see if the side-effects are any easier. If all the really bad side-effects were from the other pain, I may feel better this time now that the pain patch is evened out.

There still isn't a whole lot of hope that the Gemzar will work. We've gone through all the different drugs that should have worked. They didn't. Now we're - as the doctor said - "grasping at straws."

My MAIN goal in all of this is to not spend the next 6 months sick, asleep, miserable, and useless. I'd rather my children lose their mom NOW than have those sorts of memories.

I don't want to let God down and start acting like an idiot now - so I'm praying that I can continue to glorify His Name and make Him the focus of all that happens.

We're not making any hard-core decisions just yet - I want to see how the next chemo goes. My doc has calls into MD Anderson - the TOP hospital for ovarian cancer to see if they know anything new. There MIGHT still be a little hope.

That being said ... I've requested information from SCCA about the Death with Dignity Act. I want to know what ALL my options are - and this is one of them. They'll be sending me paperwork or whatever. It's not something that can happen overnight, so don't go freaking out on me just yet. I just really need to feel like I have SOME control over what's happening, and this is one way to be in control.

I love you all. So much. I can't express how thankful I am for all the prayers and support and comfort you've given me over the years. There just aren't words big enough.

But I'm going to ask that you please NOT call. Please don't text or email or leave messages. I just can't cope with it right now. I need to get it all sorted out in MY head before I can discuss it with anyone else, and right now I don't want to discuss it with ANYONE at all. (Including me)

If you have questions - and you know Nyla - call her, please. She knows all about everything that happens with my health care, so she will be able to fill you in on details I missed.

My Mommy is coming on Sunday (for something else all together) and I'm sure I'll want to be spending time with her. The kids are doing the first week of school thing - so I need to be present for that. Steve has a long weekend, and I really just want to hold his hand.

I'm going to take some time off. I hope that you can understand and respect that. Just for a little while ... you KNOW I'll be back. :)

Sinking in

2009-09-01T16:00:00.000-07:00

Sorry I haven't blogged in so long. I wanted to make sure everyone got a chance to read the last post, and then everyone reacted so strongly that I needed some time with just my family. We needed time together to let it absorb and become our new normal and explore what we're going to do with it. Knowing that you all do it out of love - you all try to 'fix' it or make it better - and that was so not what I needed the last two weeks. I needed to face reality and cope.

We also had another family health issue come up, so my uncle has been staying with us while he recovers from and adjusts to some serious kidney problems.

Plus, I've been asleep. The new pain meds they gave me are super strong and they knock me out. Without warning. Leaving my kids are unsupervised. SO not cool!

I've also done two chemo treatments. I figured I might as well do them while I waited for my doctor to get back in town. This chemo is ROUGH. I've been more sick and more sore with this than with any other chemo I've done.

Just because I didn't want to get bored - it's also back-to-school time. Nyla had to come over and take the paperwork in for me. I'm not allowed to drive anymore and Steve doesn't get off work until everything is closed. Thankfully, Nyla stepped in, and we got them registered just in time. BigSister starts 6th grade tomorrow. BoyChild starts Kindergarten on Thursday. We JUST found that out this afternoon - after getting the run around about the K class being full and having to find a place for him. The school they put him in doesn't start til Thursday. Grrr! Daddy is going to tell him after work - because Mommy is way too much of a wuss.

Tomorrow is my doctor's appointment. I believe we will be discussing whether or not there are any more options and if any of them are going to work for me. Considering they've already said things like 'making me comfortable' and 'getting my affairs in order' - we're not walking in feeling very optimistic.

It's bad news

2009-08-15T09:52:00.000-07:00

I blogged on Tuesday that I was having pain in my abdomen again. By Tuesday night it had gotten bad enough that I was taking my super-duper pain pills.

Wednesday it was worse. Then I started vomiting. I didn't keep anything down all day. We discussed going to the ER, but I had a chemo appointment the next morning anyway, so we didn't.

Thursday morning we headed into SCCA. Got my labs drawn. Headed up to my doctor's floor and talked to the chemo coordinator. Told her about the symptoms I was having and how I was feeling and how I knew it was the tumor coming back.

She said she'd get ahold of my doctor, and sent me up to chemo. Went through the whole story with the chemo nurse as she was taking my vitals. Then my lab work came in.

Labs were BAD. Red cells were low. Protein was high. I wasn't going to be able to get chemo anyway. But I was going to need a blood transfusion. And we were still waiting for the doc to call back.

I ended up having a CT scan and hydration and the blood transfusion. Needed to come back Friday to get more blood and CT results.

The results are - the tumors that were already there have all grown. There's a new one that's already 6cm x 11cm. It's pressing against my colon and pelvis and causing a LOT of pain.

There's one more chemo they want to try. It generally isn't one of the best ones as far as results, but it's an option. The doctor says that "it's probably time for me to get my affairs in order." and "they would totally understand if I chose to not do this chemo."

They've changed around my pain meds. I now have a 3 day patch plus the dilaudid. They'll be setting up an appointment for me with Palliative Care.

So that's the update. I wish it was a happier one, but it's all I've got.

Not having fun

2009-08-11T13:35:00.001-07:00

I feel like I'm giving up hope. I find myself planning for when I die. When - not if. It's disconcerting, to say the least. I hope that it's just a weird phase and it goes away soon.
There's a pain in my abdomen again. That is never good. It's considerably worse today than it was yesterday, which scares me.
My back is still screwed up. I wish I could go to the chiropractor. I'm tired of being in pain.
The muscle aches from chemo have started. My legs ache all the time. It's dumb - it's not like I'm up doing anything. Like ... ever.
My kids keep getting naughtier and I KNOW it's because they're not getting enough attention and Mommy doesn't have the energy to fix it. :(
Steve running for congress is something I'm both proud of and frustrated by, and I'm not sure what to do about that.
My teeth keep getting worse. Which is to be expected when you're on chemo, but I wish it wasn't. I so do not need any more aches and pains right now.
The Acappella concert was AWESOME! I was so blessed by it. I wish they came every week. :)
My friends are wonderful! I wish they came to visit more often. I should invite them more often, I guess.
School starts soon and my kids aren't registered. I suck.
We're trying to force LittleSister into potty training and it is NOT working.
My baby boy starts kindergarten soon and I am not ok with that.

.... Welcome to my brain. That's just a sampling of the noises rambling around in my head.

Cash and Prizes!!

2009-08-06T18:59:00.000-07:00

Ok ... no cash. But I've been getting lots of prizes lately.

I follow Meaghan's blog. I started following it because I liked the name, then stuck around because she's amazing. She finished law school while fighting cancer. Awesome!!

A while back she started a really cool non-profit - Spirit Jump. So I've been following that, too. She's offered to have me featured a couple times and I turned her down, since I have a super support system here at home. The third time she asked I tried to turn her down again, but she said that several people had nominated me and really wanted to "jump" me - so I gave in.

HOLY COW!

I've been getting cards every day for a couple weeks. People have sent presents, too! A new praise and worship CD, a hand painted angel tile, angel ornaments, coffee mugs with tea to put in them ... all kinds of cool stuff! I've even gotten a few little prizes for the kids - which they love.

I can't believe how sweet and giving the Spirit Jumpers are! I wanted to take this time to thank every single person who has sent a card or a gift or an email or just a prayer to our Father on my behalf. It's been such a blessing for me. Thank you so much!

Tasty ... but odd

2009-07-31T11:11:00.000-07:00

I haven't done a cooking post in a long time - I figured I was due. Of course I had to pick a day when I made something strange.

My son LOVES corn dogs. It's kinda ridiculous how much he loves them. I don't buy them often because they are pricey and he eats them two at a time and the box takes up too much room in my freezer and they're junk.

Today I had a weird idea and decided to act on it. It went a little something like this ...

Mix up some boxed cornbread.

Put it in a pan.

Cut up some hot dogs.

Put hot dog pieces on top of cornbread.

Bake according to box directions.

Serve to the children who are giving you weird looks.

I put the plate in front of BoyChild and he said "It does NOT look like a corn dog!" I asked him what it tasted like, and he answered, "It tastes like corn dogs!!"

He now thinks I'm SuperMommy. YAY ME!

Bonus! Boxed cornbread is like 30 cents and hot dogs are super-cheap, so this was a great deal and they loved it. Win-Win!

Thought I was kidding?

2009-07-30T12:37:00.000-07:00

Just in case you didn't believe me about how hot it's been ...

KOMO News - Seattle, Washington

Seattle hits 103 -- Welcome to the hottest day ever!

by Scott Sistek

Originally printed at http://www.komonews.com/news/local/51988007.html

SEATTLE -- It's a day for the weather history books. For on July 29, 2009, Sea-Tac Airport hit 103 degrees just after 3:30 p.m. for the hottest day on record in Seattle, with records stretching back to 1891.

The previous records were 100 degrees set July 20, 1994, July 16, 1941, and June 9, 1955*.

Here are the preliminary high temperatures at 5 p.m.

Vancouver, WA: 107
Kelso: 106
Portland: 106 (all-time record: 107)
Chehalis: 106
Renton: 105
Tacoma: 104
Olympia: 104 (ties all-time record)
Shelton: 104
Seattle (Sea-Tac): 103 (all-time record)
Seattle (Boeing Fld): 103
Gig Harbor: 103
Arlington: 102
Bremerton: 102
North Bend: 102
Everett: 100
Friday Harbor: 97
Bellingham: 96
Port Angeles: 92
Forks: 83
Hoquiam: 77

It's the second all-time weather record set on Wednesday in Seattle. The lowest temperature recorded so far today was 71 degrees, and it's a safe bet we won't drop below that before midnight tonight. That means we have shattered the record for warmest low temperature which was set... Tuesday. (Well, tied last night at 69. The low was also 69 on Sept. 2, 1974). Put another way, this is the first day ever that the temperature failed to drop below 70 degrees at some point during the day. Miami would be so proud...

(Incidentally, if you're wondering about the asterisk by the June 9, 1955 note above, technically speaking, that 100 doesn't count as an official 100 degree high. Why? Just like the 1941 reading, that was taken at the Downtown Federal Building. But in 1945, the official reporting station for Seattle was moved from the Federal Building to Sea-Tac Airport. So the 1955 Federal Building reading doesn't count as an official record.

It's sort of like pitching a no-hitter for 9 innings, then giving up a home run in the 10th. You accomplished the feat by usual standards, but the record books don't recognize it.)

Other all time records are poised to fall as well. Bellingham hit 95 after 1 p.m. breaking their all-time record high of 94 degrees. Others in jeopardy: Olympia's is 104 (they hit 101 Tuesday) and Portland's is 107 (they hit 106 on Tuesday)

Hot Weather News:

The heat is causing a myriad of problems across the Puget Sound area, aside from people scrambling to keep cool.

Snohomish PUD says three substations went out near Monroe, knocking out power to about 14,000 people in the Monroe area.

Officials say the heat caused transmission lines to sag into trees, causing brush fires. It also knocked out three substations.

They were able to get all but 2,500 back online by 2:15, and then everyone else a short time later, but as power was coming back on, several transformers were reported on fire and torching the power poles, keeping firefighters busy across the city.

Power outages were an issue in other parts of Western Washington as well. Some 10,000 people in Tacoma were without power for several hours during the record-breaking day, as were 700 others on Vashon Island. In Renton 2,800 residents were also left in the heat for an hour.

Some 3,300 customers of Seattle City Light spent a few hours in the dark and without the relief of their fans on Wednesday night. And 300 Bellingham residents were forced to turn in for the night without power as crews were repairing an underground cable.

A flicked cigarette butt sparked a brush fire in the median of I-5 near Tukwila, the state patrol says.

Flames were seen shooting up from the trees between the north and southbound lanes near S. 200 Street. The fire was put out a short time later, with the help of a foaming truck from Sea-Tac Airport, but traffic was backed up as far as eight miles through the afternoon as firefighting vehicles were blocking lanes to fight the fire.

Firefighters were also busy in West Seattle and Auburn battling house fires. The West Seattle one broke out around 1 p.m. in the 5200 block of 45th Ave. SW. People were inside when the fire started, but all got out safely. Two firefighters reportedly required treatment for heat exhaustion.

About an hour later, a fire broke out in a home in the 600 block of 24th Street SE in Auburn. A neighbor called 911 after seeing smoke and flames coming from the back of the home.

Firefighters rescued two dogs from the home, but one didn't survive. No word yet what caused that fire.

Later in the evening, brush fires kept firefighter busy. A brush fire near the University of Washington's horticulture center scorched several acres. Firefighters had to stretch their hoses to the length of four football fields just to reach the flames.

And at Lake Ballinger in Snohomish, flames shot more than 10 feet into the air, and a helicopter was called in to douse them.

Want to buy an air conditioner or fan? Good luck!

Now that the region has suffered through the warmest night on record, thousands went in search of air conditioning and fans.

Lines were very long at several hardware and department stores -- including this line at the SoDo Sears store.

Why over 100 today?

We have the perfect heat scenario of an incredibly strong ridge of high pressure. That alone has been baking the Northwest into the 90s of late.

But Wednesday, we finally have the icing on the cake to make this the "perfect storm" of a heat wave -- the hot, east wind.

It took a while, but a thermal trough has finally developed that is drawing in the hot, dry east wind. Put the two together, and it's like mixing fire and oxygen.

Locally, the east wind makes it hotter for a few reasons. One, that air is coming from Eastern Washington, where is hot to begin with. Second, as that air crosses over the Cascades and then sinks down, it warms further. For those living along the foothills, this is akin to living at the end of a blow dryer and why your highs are among the hottest.

Now, as to why it's sticking around so long, the weather pattern over North America has two big features -- a big, big ridge of high pressure anchored along the western third (stretching from Baja to almost the Arctic Circle) and a big, big area of low pressure anchored over Hudson Bay.

Not only has that ridge baked the West Coast, but on the other end of the scale, that low has made life miserable for the rest of the nation east of Denver. There, summer has gone into hiding, with relentless rain and thunderstorms. New York City is on pace for one of their coldest July's ever.

With such exaggerated patterns, it's hard for them to budge because they are so strong they get stubborn. Incoming weather systems, typically weaker around here in summer anyway, are no match to move a ridge of this size, and then in turn, this ridge doesn't move to push the eastern low out of the way. It's like having a disabled semi jackknifed on the 520 bridge -- there's just not much room to move.

That ridge, in turn, keeps the thermal trough over our area. Heat waves usually don't go longer than two or three days because the ridge gets nudged east by the westerly flow of the planet, and once the thermal trough moves east of the Cascades, it opens the door for the cool west wind to kick up. But with the ridge so strong, it's able to hold back the ocean breezes and maintain the thermal trough right over Western Washington.

The last time we saw this pattern was 1977 and 1981, our two current heat wave champs. 1981 is notable for 5 days in a row over 90, including a 99 and 98, while 1977 had an 18 day period where it was over 79 every day (15 in a row over 80), 13 days over 85 (9 consecutive) and six days over 90 (4 consecutive).

The east wind should also at least eat away at some of this lingering humidity, but it'll still be a bit muggier than a normal heat wave - not that anything else is much normal about this heat anyway.

Record Check:

A quick list of other records that might fall this week:

Consecutive days at or over 85: 9 (Aug. 5-13, 1977). Current forecast: 9. Potential: 11

Consecutive days at or over 80: 15 (July 30-Aug 13, 1977) -- Current forecast: 11, which stretches through the end of the extended forecast. Potential: ??? (Incidentally in the '77 streak, the 14th was 79, there were three more 80s afterward.

Number of 90 degree days in a month: 7 (July 1958)

Number of 90 degree days in a year: 9 (1958)

Hottest July on record (high temperature): 81.4 degrees in 1958. (If
current 7 day forecast verifies exactly, our avg. this month will be 81.25)

Seattle daily records: Wednesday: 95, Thursday: 94. Friday: 93

When Does It End?!?

As I mentioned earlier, this pattern has the makings of the 1977 heat wave that stretched 18 days. We should begin some gradual cooling as we get into Friday, and by the weekend, highs should be into the upper 80s as this ridge slowly weakens. But a new area of low pressure developing off the California coast, it will keep pressures lower offshore and could keep the surge of marine air from rolling in until the middle of next week, meaning several more days of above normal temperatures, although not to these extreme levels.

BUT! Cool weather fans, I present this to you:

That may seem like squiggles and blobs, but what it represents, is bliss: At face value, that's a mostly cloudy day with a few showers and highs in the upper 60s or so.

Only one slight problem -- that's not until next Thursday. It's circled on my calendar anyway.

Just whining

2009-07-28T08:13:00.000-07:00

I just need to complain for a minute.

I have to eat before I take my pills or the pills make me sick.

Eating makes me sick.

Not eating makes me sick.

What the hell am I supposed to do??

And to make things more fun, we're having a heatwave in Seattle. Temps over 90 for 10+ days. I know, I know - there are many of you who live places where it's hotter. I have, too. Here's the difference .... in Seattle we have no A/C. Like ... anywhere. There's no relief.

We slept with our windows open last night and the house got all the way down to 78* by this morning. Just in time for it to heat back up.

So I'm sick AND I'm hot.

Just for giggles, let's go ahead and have me sleep funny so that I wake up with my neck locked up and a headache. Wouldn't that be fun?

And don't forget the sinus issues from the allergies.

I don't feel good! :(

Sick

2009-07-27T11:07:00.000-07:00

I spent 30 hours in bed this weekend. That should give you some idea of how I'm feeling.

After chemo on Saturday, we ran a couple errands and went to lunch with Uncle Mike. Then we came home and I went to bed. Until Sunday morning.

Sunday morning I finished up the church bulletin and Acappella fliers and made it through church. We went for a little ride after church, then we came home and I went to bed. Until Monday morning.

It's Monday now. Steve's at work, so I have to be out of bed.

Make no mistake about it - I am NOT happy to be upright.

I'm nauseous, I'm hurting, I'm tired, and I wanna go back to bed. For another 30 hours or so.

Chemo again

2009-07-24T19:12:00.000-07:00

Day two of this week.

Went fine. The nurses were kind of slow today, which was odd, but the medicines all went in easily.

Asked about a marijuana-type med to help with the nausea and pain ... they tried to write me a script but insurance won't pay. Figures. Guess I didn't need it.

Got home and ended up doing yard work for a couple hours. Not the best plan I ever had. I ended up filthy and I have my port accessed until tomorrow, which means no showers. PTTTHH! I ended up soaking my feet in the tub and scrubbing the parts I could reach without touching the port. Hassle.

Steve ended up taking all the kids out of the house. I thought they were dropping off library books and going to the park for a while, but it turns out they went to the parade in the next city.

Since I'm home alone, bored, and too tired to make myself anything to eat, I guess I'll just head to bed.

One more short day of chemo then three weeks off.

Remember when I numbered these?

2009-07-23T18:57:00.001-07:00

I can't number my chemo days anymore, because I've lost count.

Today was day 1 of cycle 2 of this protocol. (or something stupid like that)

Everything went fine. All the meds cooperated and went it smoothly and on time.

My blood pressure is still an issue. They upped my meds and it went back down and that made it possible for me to have my third med - so that's good news.

The not-so-great news is the gyn/onc wants me to find a primary care physician to monitor my BP. Which wouldn't be an issue if we weren't on state medical. The PCPs that are connected to SCCA (the cancer place) don't wanna take my insurance.

It's in the works. I'm making calls, Steve should be making some calls tomorrow, the social worker is making some calls. Hopefully it will be worked out soon, but the nurse's directive to see a PCP this week ... ain't gonna happen.

Steve's working his second job tonight, which is making me sad. I'm home with the kids after 6+ hours at SCCA, I'm tired, I want to go to bed, and I think I'm hungry. :::whine whine whine:::

Oh ... and last night the body aches started, today my hair let loose. Which is stinkin' fabulous because I can't shower until after chemo on Saturday and those itty bitty hairs ITCH so bad.

I think that's it - be back tomorrow with another update.

Oh yeah - about me

2009-07-21T21:51:00.000-07:00

I forgot to update on myself. Duh! lol

My blood pressure is not under control, yet. I need the dosage changed again, and I keep forgetting to call the nurse. (yes, I'm an idiot)

Other than weird blood pressure stuff (they say it doesn't cause symptoms, but they LIE) I'm feeling fine.

Chemo is this week. Thursday, Friday, and Saturday.

Let me tell you how God takes such amazing care of me. I sent out an email to my church and a couple family members and friends asking for sitters. I do this every three weeks as chemo comes around. This time I sent it on Saturday morning. By Saturday night I had all three days covered - someone to pay the girl who wants to sit - AND had to turn down several people who volunteered.

I can not tell you what a relief this is for us after all the heartache we went through in Oklahoma looking for sitters. My kids had never been babysat before at that point, besides a couple "aunties" that had kept them for a couple hours once or twice. We couldn't find anyone and you probably remember that we ended up having to post to craigslist and beg for people who could babysit for cheap. It was so awful. I cried so much.

Now I've got so many people around who love my kids that I have too many babysitters. Babysitters who love my kids! Who know them and spend time with them and enjoy them. Not strangers. Family.

My words are so puny and weak compared to the level of thankfulness that's in my heart. I'm glad that God knows my innermost thoughts, because I just don't have a way to tell Him how grateful I am.

My life ...

2009-07-21T20:17:00.000-07:00

is insane. Just plain ol' nuts!

We went for a ride on Saturday. While we were in the car, Steve dropped a bombshell. A big one!

He's going to be running for congress of Washington District 1.

Yeah. Uh huh. And ... ummm ... you want ME to be a politician's wife?! Riiiight.

Oh ... wait ... you weren't asking me? You were telling me? Ok. Great.

On top of cancer and chemo and three kids and all the craziness of being a wife and mom, I will now be worrying about behaving and thinking before I speak, and dressing like a grown up, and ... and ... and.

Oh my!

Pray for me. Please. This is going to be a crazy ride! (oh ... and I guess you can pray for him, too. lol)

P.S.
Please don't ask me about political stuff. I'm not running - he is. You can go to his blog and ask him whatever you'd like. :o)

Hurray!!

2009-07-16T14:28:00.001-07:00

I just printed out the adoption papers to sign and return. My cousin will be filing this week!!

YAY!!

It'll still be a while ... but what a BIG first step. I'm so excited!

In other news ... my BP is still high, but I'm feeling ok. I actually got a whole bunch of stuff done today, and that always feels good.

Isn't that exciting?

2009-07-13T16:04:00.000-07:00

I got to go to the emergency room last night. It was a good time. You should've come with us.

I took a nap after church yesterday. Woke up at 4, went potty, came at sat in my seat with my laptop. That's it.

A few minutes later, I notice a weird sensation in my chest. Hmm ... interesting. What's that? Then it came again. And again.

At this point, I holler for Steve. "Ummm ... honey? I think I'm having chest pain. What should I do?"

His first answer is ALWAYS, "Do you need to go to ER?"

No ... I hate ER. I don't go to ER unless I'm dying. I'm not dying. I'm not even sure it hurts. Just hold on and let me see what happens.

It kept happening. I started to get scared. I texted Nyla (the poor woman was trying to enjoy a wedding, and I've just gotta interrupt!) She called back. I burst into tears. Apparently chest pain scares me.

Before I called Nyla, I called the on-call doc. She called back while I was talking to Nyla. Got all my info, asked a bunch of questions, hung up to ask the chief, called back and told me to go to ER.

BLAH! I hate the ER!!

Uncle Mike came and sat with the kids. Steve and I went to the hospital. To make a very long story a little shorter - there's nothing wrong with me.

I had an EKG, a chest X-ray, a bunch of lab work ... nothin' happenin'. In the meantime, of course the pain stopped. It COULD be a pulmonary embolism (blood clot in longs that will kill you) ... but it's probably not. You COULD have a ct scan ... or you can go home and see if it gets worse.

I went home. I hate CT scans - that stuff they make me drink is NASTY!!! We were home by 9:30. Not bad!

Called my real docs today. They don't think it's anything, either. They're still concerned about my blood pressure, since it went all crazy last week, but the chest pain is probably nothing. We'll probably never know what caused it.

Soooo ... my blood pressure meds are to be taken twice a day, now. I'll call back on Thursday and see if I need a higher dosage again.

And that's all my excitement. Don't you wish YOU could be on chemo, too? :-)

my God will meet all your needs

2009-07-11T06:29:00.000-07:00

Philippians 4:19 (NIV)

And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.

BigSister's adoption is covered. Completely covered. Nothing more to worry about. No more donation button. Never to be spoken of again. Covered.

I've been getting donations. $10 here, $20 there. My cousin sent $500, and threatened to send more. I have not been worrying about it at all. I knew that we would get it paid for - one way or another.

I got a call last night from one of our elders wanting to know what the adoption was going to cost. Total.

I told him the truth. That we don't really know, yet. That Cousin is still making calls and researching and trying to make it cheaper. But that it might end up being about $2000 just for home visits.

But that we already had money saved and that we were going to be fine.

Well!! Little did I know!!

The church is covering the rest. Apparently someone from church reads my blog. Apparently they discussed the adoption with leadership. Apparently people have been making decisions for me without telling me. Because it has been discussed, approved, and handled.

He wouldn't even let me argue with him. The church has given us money before. (That was SUPPOSED to be a loan, but then they wouldn't let us pay them back.) I was NOT gonna ask them. I hadn't even mentioned it to anyone except Nyla - who knows everything about me.

But they took over. They made their minds up. I was told, when I started to argue, "No. It's done! That's it! Worry about something else."

I can't think of anything else to worry about, so I guess I'll just focus on being thankful.

Thank you, God, for supplying our every need. Thank you for knowing what it is we need and when we need it and when to force us to accept help. Thank you for a loving family who helps us so much and thank you for the church, who builds us up, helps carry our loads, and lifts our burdens. Thank you, God, most of all for the adoption. You know how much Steve and BigSister belong together and how important this is to our family - and You made it happen. Thank you. In Jesus Name, amen

Preposterous

2009-07-10T08:20:00.000-07:00

Now things are getting to the point where I'm gonna have to laugh just to keep from crying. It has been one hell of a week.

Blood pressure. Good grief! I was sitting here the other night and realized I could hear my heart beat. In my ear! Like I was under water or something.

Since it'd never happened before, and I'd been warned that the chemo could cause high BP, I thought it might be good to check it.

HOLY CRAP! Here's some numbers for ya ...
4:30pm - 162/137 upper arm; 201/124 lower arm
5:30pm - 185/120
6:30pm - 173/110
7:30pm - 195/109

I called the nurse after the first one - because it scared me. (And everyone else I talked to) Nurse says it's from the chemo. She will call the doc tomorrow and get back to me. In the meantime, I should lay down.

Riiiiiight! I'll get right on that. I'll lay down and rest and let the kids rule the house. Why do people not understand that this is NOT an option? My kids are naughty. As soon as they think I'm not looking they're into something, breaking something, eating something, spilling something. Naughty!

Anyhoo ... I took some pain meds and some nerve meds and put the kids to bed early. It was the best I could do.

I went to my room to lie down and read a book.

Remember that tooth that was giving me all that trouble a couple months ago? It picked THEN to fall out of my head. All of it. Right at the gum line. Gone.

Niiiiiiiiice.

Yesterday I stayed as still and quiet as possible until the doc called about the BP meds. Nyla went to pick them up for me. I'm now on blood pressure medication. Blah! I'm supposed to call back on Monday, because they'll probably need to double them. Whatever.

This morning I woke up with a nose bleed and it took two hours for it to stop.

All this on top of the "normal" side effects. Feeling sick and barfy and tired. I'm having LOADS of fun over here, lemme tell ya. I have to laugh at the ridiculousness of it all. Because it's silly.

But in the midst of all this craptasticness - I've had a nice week. (hahahahahaha - that cracked me up. I am literally giggling now)

Count your many blessings - name them one by one!

My imaginary friends are AWESOME! They've been online with me all week checking in, making sure I'm ok, and making me smile.

My family is AWESOME! One of my cousins donated $500 to our adoption fund, because "NO ONE is ever getting my (BigSister) except Steve." Awwww! I love him!

My church family is AWESOME! R & G came over on Tuesday to check on me and drop off some easy foods for us. What a life saver! Cooking is WAY low on my priority list when I can't eat. M.K. came over yesterday just to let me nap. Nyla went all the way to SCCA to pick up my meds for me. G.E. is going to try to stop by today and let me rest for a while. And all of them are praying.

It's easier to get through this knowing that I have people that I can call that will drop most anything to make sure I'm alright. Thank you all. I love you.

Thursday, huh?

2009-07-09T11:09:00.000-07:00

What a week!!

Monday and Tuesday - sick, sick, sick. Sore and hurting and pitiful.

Wednesday - frustrated and cranky. In the evening, my blood pressure SHOT UP. Way high. I don't know how BP readings work or what the numbers mean, but I DO know that I could hear my blood pumping in my ears. And I know that the chart I found said I was in stage 3 high blood pressure. Niiiiice.

I called the nurse. She's supposed to call back today after talking to the doctor about putting me on BP meds.

Today, I'm on the pain pills and the nerve pills because they're supposed to lower the BP. It has gone down, but is still WAY high.

These pills are meds I generally don't take during the day because they knock me out. I am knocked out. I can barely keep my eyes open.

In the meantime - all the people who love me and want to be supportive and helpful keep telling me to lay down a rest.

I don't know how many times I can explain this ... laying down and resting is NOT an option. My kids are naughty. They must be supervised. I can not supervise them if I'm asleep.

So here I am ... holding my eyelids open with toothpicks, listening to the kids bicker, trying not to let that bother me (no stress!!) and wondering what the symptoms of a stroke are.

Nyla is calling the nurse as I type - to see if they can get a move on for me.

Dumb stupid annoying rotten cancer!!

Cry baby

2009-07-07T17:39:00.001-07:00

I have nothing positive to say today. You can stop reading now. I won't be offended.

I had forgotten how very MUCH chemo side effects suck. The last chemo didn't make me sick and apparently I have a short memory.

I am miserable.

I have new sores everywhere from the Doxil. My hands and feet are killing me.
My teeth hurt. Still. Always.
I pulled something in my shoulder, and can't move my head or arm without tears coming to my eyes.
I'm nauseous beyond belief.
But hungry at the same time.
My head hurts.
There's an ulcer in the back of my throat and oh my word, does that hurt!
The fatigue is setting in already. I hate the fatigue! I'm so stinkin' tired.
The more tired I am, the less likely I am to sleep. I was up every two hours last night.
There's pain in my abdomen.
I can't take my pain pills because they put me to sleep.
Sleeping with these kids in the house is a bad plan.
When I DO take my pain pills - at night when it's safe - they give me really horrible rebound headaches.
I made scrambled eggs for dinner - and cried the whole time because it hurts THAT bad to be upright.
I can't even EAT the stupid things! How is that right?

And just to make things a little more fun - I STILL have to do the laundry and the dishes and the vacuuming and make dinner and change diapers.

Women with small kids should not have to have cancer. All I want in the world is to go crawl in my bed, and I can't. It's not fair.

The prayers of a righteous blogger ...

2009-07-06T09:44:00.000-07:00

"...The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much." (James 5:16b)

woke up this morning feeling terrible and pitiful and flappity like a chicken ...

then I blogged.

then I got emails and comments.

then another blogger blogged about me.

then people started praying.

and I just got a notice of another paypal donation. From a complete stranger. I have NO idea who she is or where she heard of me. It's amazing the power of 20 bucks. It came RIGHT after I wrote and mailed a check for $40 for my cousin to do the background checks. It's a feeling of progress to write a check, but still so stressful to put out money right now. However, with all the love and prayers and support it's enough to remind me that God surely does love us and has a plan.

It's hard to have a pity party when God sends His people to hold you up. I've gotten emails from other prairie chickens. I've gotten emails reminding me that GOD will cause me to soar, not my own power. I've gotten emails saying that it's ok to flap for today.

Half of the encouragement comes from people I don't even 'know.' My church family and my friends ALWAYS step up and love me - and I never take them for granted. But the blog community astounds me. Y'all don't even know me. You've never met me. You don't know my kids. You just love me with the love of the Lord and pray your little hearts out and make my day better.

I appreciate you so much.

I'm feeling a little less flappity, now. Thank you.

Flappity, flap, flap

2009-07-06T07:35:00.000-07:00

We had a guest speaker at church yesterday. Our preacher took his whole family on vacation for a week. (he forgot me - sad)

The guest speaker was one of our elders. He also happens to be my very wonderful friend Nyla's husband. Tony.

Tony loves eagles. Tony loves Isaiah 40:31. Yet those who wait for the LORD Will gain new strength; They will mount up with wings like eagles, They will run and not get tired, They will walk and not become weary. Tony preached on eagles and Isaiah yesterday.

It was a wonderful sermon.

One of his key points was that eagles SOAR. They don't flap. They don't work at it. They don't sit on the ground like prairie chickens hopping around and hoping to fly. The catch an air current and SOAR.

I'm a prairie chicken.

I finished chemo on Saturday. I made it to the family BBQ. I got up yesterday and went to church. I went directly to another BBQ. Then I came home, took a two hour nap, got up for about 3 more hours, then went back to bed.

When I woke up this morning I had MORE rashes, MORE sores, MORE places on my body that hurt. I'm hungry and nauseous at the same time. My teeth hurt. I don't have $2000. My kids are whiny. I have yard work to do that I won't be doing, because I can't walk, my feet have boo boos. My uncle's house got broken into yesterday and that makes my heart hurt. The sun went away. The laundry did not. I can't go to my Acappella meeting tomorrow, because Steve now has TWO jobs, and will have the van.

This morning, I'm not waiting upon the Lord. I'm not resting in His comfort. I'm weak and weary and faint.

I can't soar at all ... I'm just a prairie chicken.

Maybe tomorrow.

Are you still interested?

2009-07-03T19:44:00.000-07:00

I really don't understand. I keep thinking you'll all get bored of my nonsense and quit reading. Yet, every time I sign on I have MORE followers. It's so strange.

I appreciate you ALL! (but the ones who leave comments ... I love them the most)

Today was better than yesterday. No bad news at all. :)

Last night was rough. For the first time I actually threw up after chemo. Generally I'm just nauseous, but last night it took that extra step. Then I cried. Because I'm a wiener.

Reading over my CT scan report yesterday, it appears the doc may have sugar-coated a little bit. The tumors that grew, grew considerably! And that's not even counting the brand new tumors I got while ON chemo. It wasn't so much the worse news that bothered me, but more the fact that she kinda wasn't honest. I'd rather just know from the beginning than be surprised while trying to translate medical language.

The adoption ... *sigh* ... my cousin is still doing all the legwork for free, and for that I adore her. I still have all the money that was donated. Haven't spent a single cent! But it turns out we'll need to have in-home visits ... and you have to pay for those. I'm frustrated by this. No one ever came and checked out my house before I gave birth THREE TIMES, but Steve wants to adopt a child he's been raising for the last 9 years and NOW we need approval. ARGH! Anyhoo - cousin is checking out a few things and hoping she can get the costs lowered, but at this point it looks like it's going to cost about 2 grand. Which we so totally don't have. Pttttthhhh!!!

All this to say that having a day without any bad news is a GOOD day! :) We had our regular nurse back today, and we like her a lot. Chemo went quickly and easily and I was out the door by 11:30 am. Nice. Got home and and hung out doing nothing for a bit. Raked my yard and got it prettied up a little. (which, by the way, was more work than I needed to do today. Dummyhead!) Steve made frozen pizza for dinner then went to his new second job. BigSister left to stay the night with Aunt Mary. The Littles and I spent an hour in the front yard playing in the hose ... err ... watering the lawn.

Now Steve is home and I'm sitting and all is right with the world. I feel a little icky, but much better than yesterday. If I feel this good tomorrow, I might even get to go to the family BBQ. That'd be awesome!!

Good day/Bad day

2009-07-02T16:49:00.000-07:00

I can't decide if it was good or bad.

Good: Chemo went fine. No reactions. It went in much more quickly than I was expecting, which has never happened before.

Bad: I'm starting to feel gross already. Boooo

Good: Nyla and I had a great time talking and catching up.

Bad: I didn't get any of the paperwork done that I wanted to.

Good: The adoption is progressing forward.

Bad: I found out today that it's probably going to cost about $2000 more than we thought. Crap! That's a BIG problem.

Good: The kids got to go to the park / beach and have a picnic and had a GREAT time.

Bad: I didn't get to go with them.

Days like this are a bummer. I don't know whether to go around counting my blessings or let the rotten things get me down. So I mostly just try to focus on the positive and forget the rest. Only that doesn't help me deal with the stuff that needs to be done.

BLAH!!

Praise you in this storm

2009-07-01T09:21:00.000-07:00

I'm sure most of you know this song, and I KNOW some of you do. I have two different friends who use that quote as their blog name. :)

The basic premise, for the rest of you, lies in the chorus of the song:

And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

As much as all my friends love this song, I've always struggled with it. I have a really hard time praising God when I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I don't understand what His plan is. I don't like it. I think He should make it stop. What is there to praise about when all I want to do is cry?

Then I got up this morning and thought to myself, "Wow. It's really cool how God always puts little blessings in my life right in the middle of a terrible week."

OHHHHHHHH!!!!!! That's what the song is about!! I get it now!
(no one ever accused me of being brilliant)

Last night my mom called. I won't go into our whole long list of complicated relationship issues. I'll just say that there were parts of my childhood that were quite difficult, but through forgiveness, grace, and mercy ... my mom and I are now friends.

But we're different. She refuses to accept that I have cancer. She prefers to live her life pretending I'm perfectly healthy. When I have to call her with an update that isn't good, she basically smiles and nods and says, "Ok. We can do this!"

She doesn't get sad and sappy ... she tells me that she knows I'm strong and that I am to keep fighting. She is not who I call on a day I'm feeling sorry for myself. She is not who I call when I need to cry. She's who I call when I need to be reminded to keep moving forward.

So last night she called. Kinda late. My first words were "What's going on?!" ... because my mom HATES the phone, hardly ever calls, and certainly doesn't call late.

It wasn't bad news. She was calling to tell me how much she loves me and how proud she is of me and how she brags about me to all her friends about how I have been fighting this cancer with a great attitude ... but that she was feeling really guilty for not having told me. My mommy was crying. It broke my heart.

But at the same time, it healed my heart. There are not a lot of things that can build your confidence more than your mom telling you she's proud.

The interesting part is that I learned it from her. She had a lot of challenges while raising her kids as a single mom. Really big, bad, ugly challenges. Once she almost died and lost custody of us for two years. BIG challenges.

Never once did she quit. Never once did she bail on us. Never once did she put herself first. Sure - she made some mistakes. Gnarly mistakes. But she always meant to do the right thing. We were always her first priority. She screwed up, apologized, then picked up and kept going.

I learned it from her. I'm not that strong. I do not have a good attitude. I just never learned how to give up. My mom didn't teach me how to do that. I am so thankful for that.

There have been other blessings this week.
~My friends are amazing and SO silly. They've had me laughing all week.
~Acappella is coming!! and I get to help with concert stuff, and that is SO cool!
~ The adoption is coming along. I just got done reviewing paperwork for mistakes. There's paperwork!! YAY! She's checking on a couple more things regarding home visits, and then we should be ready to sign and file.
~My family is SO cool! They bring me food, they take my kids for special one on one time, they stop by and call and email to make sure I'm alive. They love me. :)
~The new house is so great! I'm almost completely unpacked and we love it here.
~My church family is hands-down the BEST church family in the whole universe.

I have had a hard time with this newest set-back. I'm tired, fed-up, worn out, and SO MAD.

And I will praise Him anyway ... because He is just always blessing me!

Doctor update

2009-06-29T14:43:00.000-07:00

Weird - this is my 200th post. I wish I was posting something more fun.

The news was mixed. Some of the tumors have shrunk. Some are maybe dead and showing as cysts, but they aren't really sure and there's no way of finding out. And two new tumors appeared.

Two new ones.

I know I should focus on the ones that shrank, but that's so hard. I grew new tumors. During chemo. Again! I am so frustrated.

None of this makes any sense anymore. (Not that it made any sense to begin with.)

I know - I KNOW - I've had three years of LIVING with cancer, and I could have died from the first tumor. I'm thankful.

I haven't gotten so sick that I've need to be hospitalized. I'm thankful.

My kids have always been taken care of while I got treatment. I'm thankful.

I haven't had to be cut open these last two times. I'm very thankful.

I've gotten three years to watch my babies grow and work on my marriage and love my friends and move back to my family and I'm thankful. I really am.

But there are days. Hard days. Days when I wonder why I didn't just die from the first tumor. Days when I'm screaming (inside my head) that being dead would be easier. Days when I want to smack the doctors who can't seem to fix this.

If I'm really, REALLY honest - there are days when I wonder why I bother following Christ if this is the road He has for me.

Then I remember that if it weren't for my faith and all the grace and mercy God shows for me, I WOULD have died the first time. I would have missed the last three years. I would've missed LittleSister's whole life. I would've missed all the opportunites I've been given to share the love and joy of the Lord. I would've missed out.

And so I move forward. Again.

I'll be doing Etoposide, Carboplatin, and Avastin this time. Three days in a row on the same 3 week rotation I've always had. It'll be about 6 hours the first day and 3-4 hours on days 2 and 3. My hair will fall out again. I will most likely be sick again.

But maybe ... just maybe ... please Jesus! ... it'll work this time.

Free Family Fun!!

2009-06-29T09:57:00.000-07:00

I have my appointment this morning to find out the results of the CT scan - I will post a new blog when I get home to let you know what the doc says.

But in the meantime, check THIS out!! My church is hosting a FREE family fun day and concert.

Acappella is coming! They're my very favorite music group ever!

If you can make it, you should definitely mark it in your calendar right now. It's going to be awesome!

FREE
August 7, 2009
5:00 P.M. – 9:00 P.M.

Christ’s Heritage Church
4100 Alderwood Mall Blvd.
Lynnwood, WA 98036
www.christsheritage.org

If you don't know who they are, you are missing out! They're amazing!

Here's some videos to introduce you:

Moved

2009-06-23T08:50:00.000-07:00

I'm still alive!

Moving went from 0-90 without my knowledge. We got volunteers to help and all of a sudden my furniture was all gone. WHOA! Guess I live at the other place, now.

With much vehicle shuffling and many back-and-forth trips, we are ALL moved in, now.

BigSister finished school and is now enjoying her summer vacation. I can't BELIEVE she's a 6th grader now!

Mother-in-law got here last Wednesday and has been a great help! She cooks AND cleans the kitchen. It's like a miracle. I've also been able to get a LOT of unpacking done with her here to keep an eye on the monsters. She leaves tomorrow night.

Tomorrow is BoyChild's birthday. He doesn't know it yet, but we'll be having lunch and cake at Chuck E. Cheese. I HATE that place, but he's been begging and we did the same thing for BigSister's 5th birthday, so it seemed fair. I can't believe my baby boy will be five. *sniff* I'm not ready to send him off to school!

Steve and LittleSister are doing fine. Nothing to report there.

I've been alright. Moving the week after chemo wasn't the smartest thing I've ever done, but I made it through.

I'm having stomach pains again, which you can imagine has sent me into a panic. Luckily, I've been too busy to completely freak out. Nyla called the docs for me, and there wasn't much help there. I have a CT scan scheduled for Friday, anyway, and my doc is out of town until my appointment on Monday, so it's been two weeks of wait and see. I hate that!

Obviously we're praying that it's a hernia or an ulcer or diverticulitis ... or anything besides cancer again. Please feel free to join us in praying.

My 3 year anniversary passed. I forgot until the next day. It's so weird to me that it's been 3 years. In some ways, it has flown by. Other times, it feels like I've had cancer forever. I have to really stop and think to remember what life was life before I was sick.

That's all for now. I have more unpacking to do. And laundry. And birthday planning. And yard work. And I think I have company coming this afternoon.

Funny how life just keeps rolling by, huh?

Good grief!

2009-06-10T09:19:00.001-07:00

I'm getting really bad about updating. I'm sorry. We've been SO busy.

We've been slowly moving into the new place. I packed a few boxes each day, then when Steve gets home we take them over and drop them off. I've even gotten some boxes unpacked and put away. We also did a little bit of cleaning in the back yard. We're back there, anyway - the kids HAVE to play every time we go - so I figured we could get the patio cleaned off, at least. I tend to work in 10 - 15 minute spurts. I get one box packed, then sit for a while. Do a load of laundry, then sit. Make the kids lunch, then sit.

I had my birthday last week. I'm 33 now. It wasn't that big of a deal. Uncle Mike, April, Aunt Mary, me and my family all went out to dinner. The next night, Steve took me on a date. I got LOTS of emails, texts, Facebook messages, and e-cards. It was nice. :)

I continue to feel ok. I'm not hurting, I'm not sick - this is good. I do, however, have random rashes, infections, and sores - not so good. I am still in the fight with the stupid fatigue. I have things to do! I don't have time to be exhausted. I take a nap almost every day, and still I go to bed between 7 and 8 most nights, because I'm plumb wore out. I hate that!

I have chemo this Friday. This is #3 with the Avastin, so on the 26th I'll get another CT scan, then see the doc on the 29th for results. I'm hopeful, this time, that the results will be good. I've not had very much abdominal pain in the last couple months - and that HAS to be a good sign, right?

BigSister is having sex-ed at school. That's been interesting. Daddy does NOT like it when his little girl says penis. Mommy laughs a lot. She knew most of the stuff already, so mostly we've talked about the specifics and how 5th grade boys ask dumb questions and giggle a lot. It hasn't been as bad as I feared - mostly it's entertaining. Her last day of school is the 19th. We'll finish the move that weekend.

BoyChild is a goofball. Boys are so strange. I don't think I realized just how different it would be to raise a boy. He wrestles with daddy a lot. He wants LittleSister to do everything he says. He likes to boss people around. He's BUSY all the time. He's also gotten very, VERY chatty lately - which is not at all different than BigSister at this age. He's super excited about going to Kindergarten next year - and I'm praying he's ready emotionally.

LittleSister is STILL wearing diapers. This kids is going to be 12 before she potty trains - I swear it! She's learning and growing every day. She's starting to get very silly, and keeps me laughing. She's also the naughty kid. I can't look away for 3 seconds and she's into something she isn't supposed to touch. Stinker!

Steve is still working. Still taking care of all of us. Still spoiling me. :)

That's about it. I'll be back!

Moving ... again!

2009-05-31T15:20:00.001-07:00

No one is surprised, are they? I swear we are always moving. Works my dang nerves!

Apartment living is very difficult after you've lived in a house. There is too much noise, too much traffic, not enough room, no yard to play in ... and my kitchen in the pits!

THEN ... the idiots upstairs moved in. I can not tell you how hard it's been to refrain from wringing their necks. They're loud, they're rude, they throw their trash all over the place, and they SPIT! Right over their balcony ... into MY patio. It's awful.

But wait! There's more!

Management recently left notes on our doors explaining some new rules. Children are no longer allowed outside unless accompanied by an adult. Well great! How am I going to supervise BigSister while trying to chase the Littles? Yeah - that won't work. PLUS - no more wheeled toys on property. No bikes or skateboards or roller skates or scooters. Two weeks after we bought BigSister a new bike, she's not allowed to ride it anymore.

We decided that since our lease was about up, now would be a good time to look for rental houses. Having BigSister cooped up for her summer vacation just didn't work for me.

So without further ado ... here's our new house! We'll be moving in over the next three weeks or so. We won't make the final move until BigSister is out of school for the year.

We have a circular drive - so cool
side door
back yard - over to the side of the house
Steve's favorite part ... the storage shed!
back yard
back yard - the kids LOVE that big hill
Back yard. Standing on patio to take the picture (the trash will be gone soon)
Littles' bedroom
coat closet in living room
living room
linen closet - in hall by bathroom
second storage closet - in hall by bathroom
bathroom (only one - that'll take some adjustment)
"bathroom" vanity in laundry room. Cool!
laundry room and back door
master bedroom
living room - taking picture from kitchen doorway
kitchen from living room entry
kitchen - obviously
PLAY ROOM!! Whoo Hoo!
kitchen from play room doorway
BigSister's room

We are SO excited!! YAY!!!

Broken Hallelujah

2009-05-26T18:36:00.000-07:00

I don't have much to add to this. Mostly just that my heart SO sings this song every day. I could've written it myself ... yanno ... if I could write songs.

Broken Hallelujah Lyrics
Mandisa

With my love and my sadness
I come before You Lord
My heart’s in a thousand pieces
Maybe even more
Yet I trust in this moment You’re with me somehow
And You’ve always been faithful so Lord even now

When all that I can sing is a broken Hallelujah
When my only offering is shattered praise
Still a song of adoration will rise up from these ruins
And I will worship You and give You thanks
Even when my only praise is a broken Hallelujah

Oh Father, You have given much more than I deserve
And I have felt Your hand of blessing on me at every turn
How could I doubt Your goodness, Your wisdom, Your grace
Oh Lord hear my heart in this painful place

Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

Hallelujah (I lift my voice)
Hallelujah (Your spirit moves)
Hallelujah (I raise my hands)
Hallelujah (I reach for You)

‘Coz all that I can sing is a broken Hallelujah
When my only offering is shattered praise
Still a song of adoration will rise up from these ruins
And I will worship You and give You thanks
Even when my only praise is a broken Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

Four day weekend

2009-05-26T09:04:00.000-07:00

The only trouble with a 4 day weekend, is the day it ends. I'm exhausted! Sheesh!

I'm way behind on my blogging - so you probably don't know - I went to Women's Retreat last weekend. I wasn't going to go, but then on Friday (the day it started) three different people told me to change my mind. So I did. Steve drove me up after work. I had a wonderful time. I'm glad I went. But BOY oh boy was I tired on Monday. Did you know that there's no sleeping at church camp?

The week progressed as usual. Sitting around being tired. Doing laundry, washing dishes, chasing kids.

Friday was chemo. Chemo is no fun - but it went smoothly, so whatever.

Steve had Friday off. His work declared it a no-work-day to save money. BigSister had Friday off, too - teacher in-service day or something. Which gave us a four day weekend and nothing to do. Sad.

After chemo we were driving around admiring the beautiful sunshine and Seattle scenery, when I said to Steve, "I wish I'd known we were going to have a 4 day weekend and I'd feel good. I would've made plans to go visit Pamela." His answer? "So call her now!"

Pamela is my bestest best friend in the whole world. We've known each other since we were 12. We've never, ever lost touch. We know each other in that way that best friends do - completely and without effort. I love her.

She said we could come. YAY!

Saturday morning, we fed the kids and headed out. Got to her house about 11. My kids LOVE her house. They live in a quiet, tiny sub-division on a cul-de-sac. The kids can play in the street! At the end of the block is a playground and open field. Auntie LaLa has LOTS of toys for them to play with! They were in heaven. We played outside all day long. Then we BBQd and ate outside, too. At some point we added another child to the mix. Pamela's oldest daughter already had a sleepover planned for that night. SEVEN kids! It was insane! lol The kids went to bed late - but not horribly late (except the girls, who were still up at 2am!) - and the other grown-ups played Rock Band. (I just watched and laughed.)

Sunday morning we got all 7 kids up, dressed, and ready to go and we all went to church. It took 3 vehicles! LOL Matt went early, because he runs sound. One mini-van for my family, one mini-van for Pamela's. Thankfully they have food at their church, so we didn't have to make breakfast. Yikes!

Church was good. We left the 3 big girls there with Matt for the second service ... went and got coffee ... stopped at a yard sale ... went back home to wait for them to get home. All in two minivans. Too funny.

Once everyone was back home, we loaded up and drove to Portland for lunch. We've been craving Buffalo Wild Wings since we moved back home. They don't have any in Seattle. But Steve found out they ARE in Portland - so off we went. Considering there were 11 people in our party - 7 of which were under 11 - it went well. And the food was yummy. :)

We tried to get the kids to nap when we got back from lunch. It didn't work out very well. We ended up back outside while Pamela and one of her boys napped. That was fine with my kids - they love being outside!

After a couple hours, we realized that 11 people in one house was a LOT, and we probably didn't need to stay another night. We loaded our stuff (and some of Pamela's) and our kids back in the van and said our goodbyes.

It was 6 at night, so we figured we'd stop for food then drive home. Except LittleBrother fell asleep as soon as he got in the car. We knew we'd be in trouble if we went straight home. We'd get home past bedtime with a kid who HAD slept, but hadn't eaten. Neither Steve or I thought that was a good plan, so we stopped at a little hotel with an indoor pool.

Steve ran to the store and got sub makings - we fed the kids, then took them to the pool until bedtime. FUN! I love swimming! We accomplished our goal - they were flat exhausted when we got back to the room. YAY!

Free continental breakfast in the morning. Back in the car. Drive home. Unload the van. Get the laundry going. Yuck! Real life!

Pamela had sent a BUNCH of toys and books home with us that her kids had outgrown, so I ended up sorting through the books and eliminating duplicates and removing the torn ones we had. We only have two shelves for books - I couldn't keep them all! We were home about an hour and a half before we headed BACK to the car to run errands and donate stuff.

Waking up this morning was NO fun. I'm so stinkin' tired! Two weekends in a row away from home might have been just a little much.

But it was all worth it. I had a great time. I'm so glad I got to see Pamela and her family. I adore them, and we have so much fun together.

Now if you'll excuse me ... there's more laundry to be done. *sob*

2009-05-22T22:15:00.000-07:00

I was planning on doing a Memorial Day post anyway - but I'm just going to steal directly from Christy, because I can't say it any better.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Many people are looking forward to this weekend because they see it as the kick-off to summer, or because the last long weekend they had was too far back. I am glad summer is here, and I know if I were working, I would definately be ready for a long weekend. It's also a time when we think of our loved ones who have passed. But I'd also like to ask everyone reading to take a moment to remember the men and women who serve our country, and those who served in the past. Remember those who gave the ultimate sacrifice, even if you don't directly know anyone who fits into this category.

~Christy~

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Christy is the mommy of a brand new baby boy - who's husband is currently active duty in the Middle East. Heart wrenching!

Lisa is a dear friend who's 19 year old cousin is serving.

My cousin has served. Two tours with the marines.

And this weekend - along with praying for the soldiers - I'll be praying for the loved ones waiting back at home. Because that is a tough road, and I'm so thankful for all of them.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Chemo went fine today.
So far I feel ok.
The whole family had a four day weekend, so tomorrow morning we're heading down to the Vancouver/Portland area and sleeping over at my best friend's house. She and her hubby have 3 kids - it's a madhouse - but it's fun! I can't wait.

Be back Monday! Have a great weekend!

Real men eat quiche

2009-05-13T17:42:00.000-07:00

This is the easiest recipe ever - and my whole family LOVES it!

One package of bacon. I leave it frozen and just run it under hot water for a minute.
Then chop it.
And throw it in the pan

It will break up as it cooks
While the bacon cooks, grate your cheese
Looks done to me!
I take it out with a slotted spoon, then put on paper towels to drain

Bisquick in a bowl

Milk in the bisquick (and eggs and S&P)
And mix!

Spray your purple pie pan. If you don't have a purple pie pan - just throw all your food away - you're not worthy of this quiche!
Bacon in the pie pan

Cheese on top

Add the Bisquick/egg/milk mixture. Just pour it on in - I promise there is room
Be thankful that the eggshells you dropped stayed in the bowl. I'm useless - I swear I am!

This is what it will look like ... not much like quiche ... put it in the oven anyway :)

When it's done - it will look like heaven! And smell even better!
Tonight I served it with fresh fruit - usually I make it to go with pancakes.

Enjoy!

BISQUICK QUICHE

1-2 c. fillings of your choice (example broccoli, mushrooms, etc.)
1 c. shredded cheese
1/4 c. chopped onion
2 c. milk
1 c. Bisquick
4 eggs
1/4 tsp. salt
1/8 tsp. pepper

1. Heat oven to 400 degrees.
2. Grease 10" pie plate or 8" square.
3. Sprinkle fillings, onions and cheese in plate.
4. Beat remaining ingredients until smooth and pour into plate.
5. Bake 35 to 40 minutes or until a knife inserted halfway between edge and center comes out clean.
6. Let stand 5 minutes before serving.

Brave Face

2009-05-07T16:27:00.000-07:00

It amuses me sometimes, how people are always telling me how strong I am. How brave I am. How if THEY were sick, they wouldn't be as tough as me.

It's so not true. At all.

I've been icky-sick all week. They said there wouldn't be side-effects, but they were wrong. I feel terrible! Plus my tooth still hurts - so that sucks.

The worst part is, my abdomen is feeling better. I'm not taking hardly ANY pain meds, because it doesn't hurt very often. Which means I COULD eat ... if I wasn't sick and my tooth didn't hurt.

So very frustrating! I'm HUNGRY, dammit.

I had a point ... really.

This whole week, I've been sick and pitiful and whiny. I really don't like feeling sick, it makes me crabby. I am SUPER grumpy when I'm hungry. Plus my tooth still hurts - have I said that?

Last night, Steve was getting LittleSister into the tub and started to take her ponytail out. She ran off, screaming, "Mommy do it!!" Steve said, "Daddy needs to learn how to do it, too!"

Aaaaaaaand I lost it.

I cried most of last night. I finally came out to the living room and curled up in Steve's lap and just sobbed. Who's going to do LittleSister's hair if I die? Who will make BigSister look nutty for Crazy Hair Day? How will they all eat? Who's going to clean the house? Who will take care of these 4 people who mean so very much to me? Who could possibly love them as much as I do?

When Steve's shirt was sufficiently soaked, I mopped up my face, blew my nose, got some ice cream and crawled back in bed. And cried some more. Because I can't imagine someone else raising my babies. Someone else loving my husband. Someone else touching my things and rearranging my kitchen and letting my house be messy. It hurts my heart so bad, I'm liable to live forever just because I have control issues.

To make matters worse, I woke up this morning and decided that this would be the day I went through one of my "memory boxes." I've saved all sorts of letters and notes and cards from high school on ... and it occurred to me that Steve wouldn't know what to do with that stuff if I died. No one knows who those people are or why I was saving that stuff. Wouldn't that be an awkward place for him to be in? Can't throw it out, because it was my dead wife's ... don't really want to keep it, because I don't know what it is.

Whew! That was painful. I only got halfway through before lunchtime, and couldn't do anymore after nap time. I'll have to face it another day.

As I'm opening cards, reading letters, going through old date books I realized that I am the ONLY person in the world who has these memories and when I die, they will too. These aren't things that can be saved for the kids. These aren't things I really want anyone to EVER read. There were things in there that no needs to know. There were things in there that weren't mine to share. Letters from people who don't want those stories read by my family after I'm gone. People I've lost touch with. People with whom I shared intimate times of my life - but that Steve never knew. Who never knew my kids. Who don't even know ME anymore.

The memories were no less precious as I read through them this last time. I love these people no less than I did when I was with them. But the letters had to go. The datebooks had to go. There were poems I had written that I had to throw away.

It hurt. I cried. Hell, I'm crying now.

I'm not so strong. I'm just pretty good at faking it.

Happy Stinkin' Monday!

2009-05-04T15:56:00.001-07:00

GRRR!!

Chemo went fine on Friday. Kinda.

There was a wait in the lab. That's never happened before. I spent the whole time we were waiting worrying about my chemo getting canceled because we were late. Because I have stress over punctuality.

Got upstairs. Was not canceled. It took them FORTY MINUTES to get my blood pressure. Two nurses. Both arms. Machine and manual. Ten different tries. No blood pressure. Apparently my pulse was so weak they couldn't hear it. I don't know, I've never heard of such a thing. When they finally DID get it, the number was fine. It was really frustrating. I hate having my BP taken, it hurts my arm. A lot.

Then we did the infusion. It went fine. It went quickly, too, so that was cool.

They said I shouldn't have side effects with this kind of chemo. I think they lied to me. I've felt barfy and gross ever since Friday. It comes and goes and is driving me crazy! I'm sleepy and worn out and just all-around icky.

Here comes the good part. :::eye roll here:::

Something is wrong with one of my teeth.

My teeth started acting up when BigSister was a baby. My bio-father has weak crappy enamel, and was kind enough to pass it on. I'd stayed on top of it and gone to the dentist and gotten things fixed, and things were good.

Until I got pregnant. Pregnancy is hard on your teeth AND you can't get dental care while you're pregnant or nursing. (besides cleanings - you should get your cleanings!) Since I was pregnant for two years straight, my teeth got much worse.

Then six months after Jayla was born I was diagnosed with cancer. I spent the next year dealing with that - and the move across country, and buying a house, and raising babies - and didn't do much about my teeth.

I finally got my crap together and made an appointment. Went in and got my cleaning and x-rays and we made a treatment plan for all the teeth that are broken and trying to break. The DAY BEFORE I was supposed to get my first root canal, I was back in the hospital with the first recurrence.

I've been on chemo since then, and you can't do dental stuff when you're on chemo, either. You can just imagine how awful my teeth are now. It's horrible. They're really really super ugly. The good news is, they don't hurt. They look like crap, but they don't hurt.

Until this weekend. Oh my word! I bit down on something and my back tooth is KILLING me.

Guess what I get to do about it? ....

give up? ...

Nothing!

The chemo nurse says if I absolutely HAVE to have something done, they would prefer that I wait 14 days after chemo, and then another 14 days before another chemo. The Avastin prevents my body from making new blood vessels, which makes healing from a surgery complicated. Plus the immune system stuff, and the red cell and white cell stuff. BLAH!

If I really can not live with the pain, I could shorten it to 7 days post-chemo. That is NOT recommended.

On top of that, I have state insurance, and finding a dentist who takes it is darn near impossible. I've been on the internet and making calls all afternoon and have come up with ONE place I could go be a walk-in and wait to see if they might be able to take me.

*sigh*

So here's the plan! First, we're going to pray very very hard that my tooth stops hurting. Problem solved! My friend, Genie, works for a dental office, and is bringing me a list of dentists I might be able to see, if I really have to. And then we're going to pray some more, because I am NOT dealing with this well at all.

Being nauseous and in pain and tired makes for a very unpleasant Jesi. Emotionally I've been weird today, too. I've caught myself "planning" my death and funeral. I've never done that before. It scares me.

If you're still with me ... sorry this was so long. Please pray that the salt-water rinses and vitamin C and cloves help and my tooth stops hurting. Please. And thank you.

Misquoted Scripture

2009-04-28T14:19:00.000-07:00

How often have you said or been told, "God won't give you more than you can handle."?

I bet it's a LOT.

Wanna know how many times I've heard it? About a zillion and ten, I think.

Wanna know something interesting?

It's not even true!

WHOA! I just blew your mind, didn't I?

That isn't what the passage of the bible says at all! It says God will not let you be TEMPTED beyond what you can bear, and that He will always give you a way out.

1 Corinthians 10:13 (New International Version)

No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.

So you tell me ... when I say "I'm so tired of having cancer. I'm sick of being sick. Tired of being tired. Why won't God release me from this and heal me?" what exactly does that passage in Corinthians have to do with ANYTHING?

Oh wait ... I know ... NOTHING!! I'm not tempted, and I'm not sinning. (well ... ok, I sin ... but I'm not sinning when I'm tired of being sick)

God WILL most certainly give us more than we can bear. Yes He will.

Wanna know why?

Because when we are weak, we are made strong IN HIM. Because when we get tired and quit, He takes over. When we can admit that there is NO WAY we can bear up through our trials ... but that God is faithful and ever present ... we are giving Him the glory.

He deserves the glory. Without Him by our sides, how would we ever get through any of this ... this ... crap we call life?

In 2 Corinthians, the 7th chapter, it says that God comforts the depressed.

Not that He removes all sadness and despair. He doesn't tell us our faith is lacking. He doesn't tell us to buck up and move on. He doesn't even say "I'll never give you more than you can handle."

He just comforts us. Picture a sad kid. Picture his daddy picking him up and holding him and comforting him until the tears stop. God does that for us.

I'm genuinely grateful for the people in my life who try to comfort me and offer encouragement. I love that people care enough to try. It's beautiful. It's humbling. It makes my heart warm and my day brighter.

But you can't fix it. None of you can. Offering up platitudes and cliches doesn't heal cancer. I don't want to be told that God won't give me more than I can handle, because He HAS. So much more than I can handle on my own. More than I ever would've thought I could survive, never mind handle gracefully. More than most people could even imagine. More. Much more.

Wanna know what bible verse I'd rather you memorize and use?

Romans 12:15 (New International Version)

Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.

That's all. Just be sad with me. Be tired of this journey, like I am. Hold my hand and just LET me sad. Because I am sad. I am scared. And that's ok. Because God comforts me in my sadness. No one can "fix" it ... but God will see me through it.

Next time a friend comes to you with a broken heart, a broken spirit, a sad story, or in pain, will you please not tell him that God won't give him more than he can handle. Would you please just love them where they are. Just mourn WITH them, like the bible tells us to do.

Thanks.

Oh yeah!

2009-04-25T18:32:00.000-07:00

I forgot - I DID have something to say the other day.

I put the donation button on my blog for ONE day.

My cousin doesn't think it'll cost more than $500 for the adoption.

We raised $600 in the one day the button was up.

$240 on paypal.
$100 from people we know IRL
and another check for $250 from one of the girls on my message board.

Then I got yelled at by THREE different people for not leaving the button up long enough. Who yells at someone for not taking money? Crazy people, that's who!

I guess God agreed that it was time for us to get this adoption done. I'm hoping we'll get it done and then I'll live a long long time - but if I don't, it will be a BIG relief to know BigSister will be taken care of.

A little back story in case you're curious.

We looked into step-parent adoption when we first got married. You have to be married two years (in WA State) before you can do a step-parent adoption.

Two years later, we called around about it, and were quoted $3500 - $5000. We stopped there because we just don't have that much money. Ever. Every time we do, something happens and it disappears.

So here we are, another ... umm ... 3 years later, and it's only going to be about $500 AND other people donated the money AND my cousin wants to help.

That's so cool. I sure do like it when God answers my prayers. It's even more fun when He does it in just ONE day.

Nature's Source Buzz

2009-04-24T11:01:00.000-07:00

I hate cleaners. They are so stinky and caustic and scary. I've tried to use more natural products ever since BigSister was little.

Bonus: if the cleaner is safe - you can let the kids clean, too! YAY!

BzzAgent invited me to be part of a campaign for Nature's Source Cleaners. I actually turned down this campaign. I have WAY more than enough cleaning supplies in the house. Plus, I'm not even using them. I haven't cleaned house properly since I got sick again, so why would I need MORE cleaners? Apparently there was a glitch, because they sent me the stuff anyway.

I used the the Toilet Bowl Cleaner. I generally don't use toilet cleaners, because they're the ickiest of all. I didn't figure the more natural ones would work very well, so I just used nothing.

Well! This stuff works great! It got the toilet more clean AND it stayed clean longer than usual. Sweet!

Bonus! It did NOT smell icky. It did not cause me to turn on fans because of scary chemical fumes. It was safe and natural AND it worked!

I'll actually be BUYING this stuff! You should, too .... really. It's great.

Here I am

2009-04-24T10:55:00.000-07:00

I got called out on not blogging again. I should really quit disappearing, so people won't holler at me.

I haven't blogged because there hasn't been anything to say.

I'm still in pain. I still can't eat. I'm realllllly tired all the time from the pain meds.

The kids are still obnoxious. Steve still has a job.

See? Nothing!

My next treatment is May 1. I'll get the Avastin AND the Doxil next time, now that the Avastin has been approved. Genie will be babysitting that day.

Today, my friend is coming over to clean my bathrooms. She recently started her own business for cleaning and different household helper stuff. She doesn't charge crazy prices, so I hired her. My bathrooms are AWFUL and I just can't clean them. It hurts when I do that.

Tomorrow the Littles have doctor appointments. They are SO far behind on their well-child visits. We are terrible parents. :( I've talked to both of them about getting shots, and hopefully they will cope well. BigSister is up next. She needs a booster for something this year.

The adoption is moving forward. I've got some paperwork to fill out and send back to Miss Cousin. I don't know what comes after that.

That's it! I'm super-exciting, huh? Have a great weekend!

Carnation Cancer Coffee

2009-04-18T08:52:00.000-07:00

I have my own fancy espresso machine because I love mochas, and paying $5 every time I want one makes no sense.

So every morning I get up and make myself a nice mocha - or flavored latte - or whatever.

Then my stomach started hurting, and I was told to drink meal replacement drinks. My chemo nurse said that Carnation Instant Breakfast has all the same nutrients, but is WAY cheaper than Ensure. So we bought some - because I LOVE cheaper.

All of a sudden, between my mochas and my Carnation drinks, we were going through a LOT of milk.

Me being the genius I am :::giggle::: I came up with a solution. Now I will share it with you. :)

Here's all the stuff I need

One packet of Carnation Instant Breakfast. (It also comes in a big can, so you could use the serving size on the can) Today I used Dark Chocolate. Milk chocolate, chocolate malt, and French Vanilla work well, too. I haven't tried the strawberry, because I don't like fruit in my coffee.

Put the Carnation in the cup.

Pull your espresso shots. I use a double.

Add espresso to Carnation and stir well.
Add milk and stir again. I use cold milk and make a room-temp mocha. You can add ice cubes and have an iced mocha, or steam your milk and have a hot mocha. Just depends on what you like.

Drink and enjoy
I hope none of you ever need this recipe, but you might like to try it anyway, if you are not eating breakfast, or need to get more calories in each day, or whatever. :)

Holy Cow! It's good news!!

2009-04-16T16:13:00.000-07:00

Two good things to tell you today.

First, and most importantly - I just received the letter that says my insurance WILL pay for the Avastin! Praise the Lord!!

Secondly, and so humbling - I will be removing my donate button.

I woke up this morning and had enough donations to cover half of our expected costs! I figured that would be way more than enough, we could cover the rest, and the button could come down.

But wait! There's more!

I also got an email from an Aunt who "would love to help with the adoption costs. Where should we send the check for $500?"

THEN! I got another email just a minute ago from an online friend who has been a support throughout the years, telling me that there was something at her house that "belonged to me, hubby, and BigSister." Apparently she doesn't speak English - I tried to tell her no, and she wouldn't listen to me. The "imaginary friends" have already given/done SO MUCH, I can't imagine them having even one more brain cell to waste on me.

All of this was after yesterday when I had to stop another wonderful friend from taking over and staging a fund raiser to get it all paid for RIGHT NOW.

All of this to say ... I am humbled. I am truly grateful. And I'm mortified. So I'll be taking down the button now. My needs have been met - above and beyond - and I can't imagine leaving it up to beg for more. :::shudder:::

Thank you all! Those who donated and those who pray. You are all so very important to us!

I'm gonna lose readers

2009-04-15T14:09:00.001-07:00

People are going to quit reading if I don't get myself out of this funk, soon. Seems like all I ever do anymore is gripe and complain.

I'm feeling discouraged and pitiful today. The pain pills aren't working. My stomach still hurts. I could take twice as much as I'm taking now, but then I'd fall asleep.

As much as people like to tell me that I can wallow in my self-pity and nap whenever I want and not do chores if I don't want ... etc ... that just isn't true.

You can't nap when there are a 3 and 4 year old just watching and waiting for you to not be paying attention. They are skilled at destroying the house when they are supervised - I can't even imagine what they'd do if I was sleeping. That's a scary thought.

I can't really wallow, either. My family needs to see me being positive and ready to fight. The Littles don't understand anything more than "Mommy doesn't feel good" but if I sat around crying all day, I would scare the crap out of them. BigSister and Steve DO know what's going on, and they are NOT going to put up with me sitting around wailing. That's not an option.

I can't not do chores. For one - *I* can't stand a nasty house. It stresses me out. Secondly - the family kinda needs to eat and have clean clothes and dishes. None of those things are going to do themselves. Steve helps with what he can help with - but he works all day. I hate to have him come home to more crap to do. BigSister does chores, too, but I won't ask her to do more. It isn't her fault I decided to have two more kids, or that I'm sick. She shouldn't have to shoulder more than her share.

So here I sit. Feeling sorry for myself ... silently. Doing my best to keep the house kept up. Fed up and sick to death of feeling so crappy that I can't do what I want to do and be who I want to be.

Wondering what God hopes for me to learn from all this, when I'll learn it, and when He'll decide that it can be over.

All silently. Because there are some things you just can't say out loud.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In brighter news ... my cousin is going to help us with the adoption. She's a lawyer. She THINKS she can keep it to under $500. She isn't positive - but she's hopeful. We don't really HAVE $500 ... but at least it's a number that's less intimidating than the $5,000 we were quoted before.

Adoption

2009-04-14T16:04:00.000-07:00

I swore I'd never do it, but I have put a donate button on my sidebar.

Steve is not BigSister's biological father, though he has been her Daddy since before she turned 3.

We've wanted all this time to get her adopted, and for various reasons, haven't been able to get it done.

With this newest diagnosis came a stronger need to have this finalized. I have NO doubts that Steve's her daddy, and she's his girl, and he would take great care of her should I die.

But the thought that her bio-dad could even TRY to fight for custody scares the mess out of me.

So we need to do this, and we need to do this now. If you'd like to donate, that would be great. If you can't, please just pray. We need to make our family "official" in the eyes of the law, and I would ask for prayers that it goes smoothly and easily and quickly.

Thanks! And please forgive me for being a beggar. I'm sorry.

You would think it'd get easier

2009-04-14T09:44:00.000-07:00

It's been a week since I got my newest diagnosis. I've been taking it very hard. It's been a really rough week.

And it was bothering me. It seems to me that by the fourth time they've told you you've got cancer, you'd be more used to it. It'd be easier. You'd cry less, cope better, be less angry.

Not this time. This is the hardest it's ever been. I can't seem to shake the funk of depression and self-pity and anger.

I couldn't figure out why ... but I was talking to Steve the other day and it occurred to me ...

this is the first time I've ever had to walk around KNOWING there is cancer in my body. The last three times, they've just taken it out and then proceeded with treatment.

This time is different. There was no surgery. There is cancer IN MY BODY. Growing and hurting and making me sick. Right now. There is a deadly disease inside me.

Well that explains how emotional I've been. Makes sense now. Who wouldn't be freaked out by that information?

On top of that - I can't eat. Seriously. The cancer is in the right, lower quadrant of my stomach/abdomen. When I eat, it fills my stomach. When my stomach is full, it pushes on the other parts. (read: cancer) When there's pressure in my tummy it hurts REALLY bad. I've been surviving on meal replacement drinks and 4 or 5 bites of food at a time. Even then, it hurts until it digests. It's easier and less painful to eat nothing, but I can't do that, because then I'll be malnourished.

I'm not sleeping well, either. The pain meds make me really, REALLY sleepy, which makes me fall asleep in the middle of the day. Sleeping during the day means that I'm up and down all night. Yuck! Plus, my night sweats have been way worse. Menopause sucks - when is it going to go away?

To sum it up: I have cancer in my belly. I'm hungry. And I'm tired.

Gee, I wonder why it's been a rough week?

2009-04-12T09:05:00.000-07:00

Matthew 28:6
He is not here; he has risen, just as he said. Come and see the place where he lay.

Jesus died for us. On the third day He rose again.

For you. For me. For forgiveness of our sins. For hope. For love. For eternity.

The tomb is empty!! Happy Easter!

Chemo #1 ... take three

2009-04-11T19:24:00.000-07:00

Chemo was yesterday.

The Avastin hasn't been approved yet. It also hasn't been denied. Happy-Insurance-Limbo-Land!

I ended sitting around and waiting for a long time, then just getting pre-meds and Doxil.

Then I came home.

That's the entire update. No side-effects to report. They upped my pain meds, so the pain is much more manageable, now. It turns out they wrote the 'script for half as much as we had discussed. That would explain why it wasn't working. LOL

Nyla went with me - she always does. :) We stopped on the way home and picked up her Daughter-in-Law and 6 month old grandson. They hung out with me and the kids for about an hour and a half. That was nice. Just having someone sit with me and distract me from life.

I hate leaving the house these days. So much pain, and kids, and meds .... it's easier (and safer - no driving on drugs!) to stay home. But it turns out I hate being alone, too. Go figure.

Aunt Mary came over a little later. She had belated presents for BigSister. She had supper with us, then stayed and chatted for a while.

By the time she went home, it was 8:30 and I was more than beat, so I went to bed.

I'm pretty sure that's the longest post ever to say absolutely nothing. Aren't you glad I updated?

Diet Mountain Dew Buzz

2009-04-09T09:59:00.000-07:00

A long long time ago, there was a girl of 16. She decided that she wanted to be thinner. She decided that they way to do that was to stop drinking so much soda. Do you have any idea how many calories are in a can of soda? A LOT!

Instead of giving up soda completely, she thought she'd switch to diet soda. Zero calories!! Yay!

There was a problem, though. Diet soda tasted yucky. She did not enjoy diet soda or the aftertaste is left. The girl was sad.

The girl tried one last time, and bought a Diet Mountain Dew. The Diet Mountain Dew was yummy. The Diet Mountain Dew tasted just like the full-calorie Mountain Dew. The girl was very happy.

I'm 32, now, and I still drink only diet soda. I've been drinking Diet Mountain Dew ever since. Most of the time, these days, I'm more likely to be drinking a diet/caffeine-free soda, because as I've aged, I've come to enjoy my sleep more. It's been quite a while since I've had any Mountain Dew.

Then I had the opportunity through BzzAgent to be part of a campaign for Diet Mountain Dew. Whoooo HoooO! I love this stuff. They sent me two cans to drink myself, and a mess of coupons that I'm supposed to share with my friends. I don't want to share, though. I want to keep all the coupons to myself and drink all the soda! I had forgotten just how much I like the taste of Mountain Dew, and am now very excited about having more.

Thank you, BzzAgent for letting me be a part of this campaign. I've thoroughly enjoyed becoming re-acquainted with my first diet-friendly-friend.

Feeling Less Crazy

2009-04-08T10:43:00.001-07:00

I'm not sad today. I'm not angry today. Today just feels normal.

That frustrates me a little bit, that in my life having cancer is normal. I can't imagine anything further from what I had planned for my life.

It's April, now. In two months it will have been 3 years since my original diagnosis. That's a long time. Do you know what happens in a child's life in just three years? I do. My youngest was only 6 months old when I was diagnosed. She didn't do much. Eat, drink, poop, sleep, cry. She's now 3. She walks, talks, tells jokes, plays ring around the Rosie, and irritates the mess out of her brother.

Three years. *sigh* It's a lifetime.

In some ways it has raced by and I find myself amazed that it's been so long. In other ways, it feels like forever. I have to stop and think to remember the last time I felt "normal" or "healthy."

Three years. Four occurrences. Three different chemo regiments. Four surgeries. Two states. Four homes. Three doctors. Countless tears and twice as many laughs.

Three years. A million prayers. A million thank yous.

One Long Fight

Equal division of labor

2009-04-07T12:27:00.001-07:00

Here's how the math works ...

the 4 Healthy Ones make the messes
the 1 Sick One cleans them up

yesterday I was sad ... today I'm just pissed off ... so I'll understand if you stop reading now.

My pain started on the evening of Friday March 27. That day I had spent all my time cleaning the house. It was sparkly beautiful.

Wanna know what's been done since then?! NOT A DAMN THING! I was in too much pain, so it didn't get done. All I've done for the last week and a half is try hard to stay on top of the dishes and laundry.

Fast forward to today. LittleSister has been screaming for the last 45 minutes. She's mad because after she refused to eat her lunch and threw half of it on the floor, I wouldn't give her chocolate milk. I'm a jerk. Whatever.

During that 45 minutes, I've swept the kitchen, mopped the kitchen, vacuumed the carpets, and done laundry.

Wanna know why?

Because I can NOT live in a house that looks like heathen pigs inhabit it. The Healthy Ones don't care. They will gladly walk through the sticky crap they spilled in the kitchen and track it all over the carpets. Doesn't bother them a bit.

They don't care if there are clean dishes - they'll use paper plates. They don't care if the laundry is done - they'll wear their clothes dirty. It makes no difference to them.

Apparently it makes no difference to them that I'm sick, either. I'm sucking down Dilaudid today just to keep the pain manageable, because they won't prescribe me straight crack to make the pain go away. I can't eat because it makes it hurt worse. Whether I'm sitting, standing, or lying down - it hurts.

It seems to me they had a family meeting and decided that the above issues are NO reason that I can not continue being the house maid.

Silly me.

I gotta go now ... the dryer stopped. I have to do another load, now.

The crap came back

2009-04-06T15:41:00.000-07:00

NOT good news. The cancer came back ... WHILE I was on chemo. Stupid damn cancer!!

There are several small tumors. The biggest one is only 4cm. My first tumor was 13, my second was 18, so 4 doesn't scare me much.

They are on one of my muscles, on my colon, and there is one that they believe is tangled up with the blood supply to my bowels.

Surgery is not an option this time. Because they're so small and so spread out, they don't think it would be very effective. Also, she doesn't want me to need 6 weeks to heal before starting chemo. If they can grow during chemo, they certainly don't need to be pissed off with surgery, then given 6 weeks to go crazy.

Soooo ... chemo starts Friday. I'll be doing Doxil and Avastin. She thinks these are really good options for what I have. It JUST got federal approval last month, so that's nice timing.

The good news ...

It's still only once every 3 weeks. It's only 2 hours in and out. (It's been 6-7 so far) The side effects are very minimal and very rare. My biggest concern will be blood pressure. Since mine is always so great, it will probably just mean BP meds and monitoring. I should NOT have any hair loss or nausea. I should NOT have body aches or neuropathy.

I'm angry. I'm disappointed. I'm teary and sad.

I'm also not ready to die. So I'm ready for the next round, and I will keep fighting as long as you all keep praying.

Not pretending

2009-04-06T08:28:00.000-07:00

I'm not going to post scriptures. I'm not going to tell you about the peace I should be feeling. I'm not going to tell you about worrying about nothing and praising God for everything.

Because I am scared out of my skull today.

My stomach has not stopped hurting at all. It's now been a week and a half. It still hurts really bad. Every time I've had a tummy ache over the last (almost) 3 years, it's been cancer.

I don't want it to be cancer this time. I've wracked my brain for over a week trying to think of what else it could be, but my brain keeps coming back to the fact that it's been cancer every time.

I don't want to have cancer. Not now. Not ever again. I don't want to have chemo ever again. I don't want to be sick and exhausted anymore.

I just want this pain to go away, to be healthy, and to go on with the rest of my life.

I've been praying ... sorta. At this point it just comes out "God ... please ... " Over and over and over. It's a good thing the Holy Spirit interprets our prayers for us, because I've got no clue what to say to God right now. "Make it go away, God, please. Make me better. Make this be over."

But He might not. It might not be in His will for right now.

I get that. I'll live with that. I'll give Him glory all the way through.

But I REALLY really want it not to be cancer.

Bossy Britches

2009-04-03T09:11:00.000-07:00

I knew you were all going to try to tell me what to do. That's why I didn't tell you.

I even had some imaginary friends TATTLE on me to another friend.

Y'all are seriously ... really, really ... BOSSY!

Here's the deal. I have not gone to the ER. My doctor only works clinic on Mondays, so I didn't call her, either. I had already decided that unless it got noticeably worse, I'd just wait til Monday.

It hasn't gotten worse. I think it might be better this morning, though at this point it's hard to tell. When you've been in pain for a week, you start to lose your perspective.

So! I'll be going to the doctor on Monday morning, just like planned. I will let you all know if/when I know something.

You all have permission to stop yelling at me, now. Thanks. Let's all just keep praying that it's nothing serious, and that it'll go away.

(don't tell anyone, but I love you all for being bossy. I know it means you care)

Pain

2009-04-01T09:10:00.000-07:00

I've been keeping a secret. I didn't want to tell anyone, because I knew they'd worry and lecture me and get all weird. I thought it was just a pulled muscle, so I didn't want to cause an uproar over something so silly.

Friday night - the 27th - I got a serious pain in my stomach and right side. Bad enough that I dug out some leftover pain pills and took one. Steve and I talked about it, and between the new Wii Fit and cleaning the devil out of my house we decided it was a pulled muscle. I've never had a pulled muscle hurt this bad, but anything is possible.

So I didn't tell anyone, because I hate to make people worry, and I didn't want anyone yelling at me.

I still have the pain. It's not getting better. It hurts really bad.

Now - I already had my CT scan, and I go in Monday to see my doctor, so I don't know how much sense it would make to run to the ER. I hate the ER.

However - I'm getting scared and am torn as to what to do. I can keep popping pills and wait until Monday, or I can go to the ER. I'm gonna be REALLY mad if I go to the ER and it really is a pulled muscle. But I'd also be really mad at myself if the cancer was back and I waited. Not that hurrying would make much of a difference.

I'm sure I had a point ... lemme think ...

right.

I wish y'all would pray for me. Pray that the pain will go away. Pray that it's a pulled muscle. Pray that I'll stay calm and make wise decisions. And could you please pray for Steve, who's mad at me for not going into the doctor right away.

Thanks. You're all wonderful. :)

Anxious

2009-03-26T12:09:00.000-07:00

That whole "be anxious about nothing ... " scripture ...

Yeah - it's not working for me today.

I'm not scared, I'm not worried, I'm not stressing. I'm just ... anxious.

Jumpy, almost - like something important is coming up and I'm ... hmm ... excited isn't the right word. Expectant? Maybe?

I don't know ... but I feel weird.

In about an hour I will leave to go to SCCA. I will get blood drawn for my weekly tests, I will drink some nasty crap from a jar, I will wait 45 minutes and drink some more nasty stuff, then I will lay down and hold my breath and get radiated ... err ... scanned. The scan itself will take no more than 15 minutes and I will be heading right back home.

I won't get any results today. There will be no answers. No hope. No let down. No tears. No rejoicing. Just a scan.

And yet ... I'm so anxious.

Father, help me again ... and always ... to rest on Your word. You say to worry about nothing but instead to thank You for what You've done and pray for what we need. Here I am again asking You to please please let the scan be clear. Please let the cancer be gone from my body. Please let it never return. Please help me to relax and rely on You. Thank you for all that You've done and all You continue to do in my life. In Jesus' name ... amen.

CT Scan tomorrow

2009-03-25T12:11:00.000-07:00

Philippians 4:6 (NIV)

⁶Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

Philippians 4:6 (The Message)

^6-7Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.

Philippians 4:6 (NLT)

Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.

Father God, I'm trying. I want Your will to be done. I know that worrying will not add even one moment to my life. I know that being anxious is basically not trusting You. I know that no matter how I spend today, tomorrow You will be there as I get this scan. I know You will be with the doctors and nurses and they read the results. I know that Your hand is on me. Help me to rest in that. Help me, Lord, to believe what I believe and not question Your ways. Father, please help me today to let it go, rest in Your love and grace, and relax. Nothing I fret about today is going to help me tomorrow, so help me, please, to not fret. Thank you, God, for all that you've done in me through this cancer. Thank you for the friends I've made, the friends who've loved me through this, the friends who hit their knees for me daily. Thank you for the people who send gifts and cards to show that they love me. Thank you for the friends who babysit, the friends who go to appointments with me, and the friends who just email and say hi. Thank you for working in my life and on my attitude and on my faith. I'm grateful to be where I am today, and if it took cancer to get here, God, then I trust you. But I'm tired, now. I would really like to be done with this. Please, if it is Your will, could you remove any trace of cancer from my body and let this scan come back all clear. Forgive me, Father for all my unbelief and worry and childish behavior. Help me and guide me to be more like You. Thank you most of all for Jesus and His sacrifice for me. In His most holy name ... amen.

Funny Four year old

2009-03-25T09:39:00.000-07:00

We're driving on Saturday ... headed to nowhere ... wasting time.

All of a sudden from the backseat ...

Boychild:
"Are you getting tired, Daddy? Because if you're getting sleepy, I can drive and you can take a rest."

Steve and I laughed until we almost cried. BoyChild didn't get the joke; he was dead serious.

Slacker

2009-03-24T10:39:00.000-07:00

It has been brought to my attention ... more than once ... that I've not been blogging. Sorry.

The last chemo went well. No problems at all. Nyla brought a balloon and some little prizes to celebrate being done - and that was way cool.

Then I got really sick. The first week was really hard, the second not a whole lot better. Now we're on week three. I thought I was feeling better, but it seems I overdid it yesterday, because today I feel lousy. Bummer.

There's nothing new to report. My CT Scan is Thursday, then I see the doctor on Monday the 6th to get the physical exam and results of the scan. I trust that you're all still praying that the scan shows NOTHING and I get the all-clear.

I apologize to anyone who worried because I didn't blog. I just forgot. I'm lame like that.

Here's a couple of cute kids to make it up to you. :)

Three days in Seattle

2009-03-05T14:02:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I saw a Cherry Blossom Tree in bloom.

Today I had the sun in my eyes and smelled fresh cut grass.

Tomorrow it's supposed to snow.

ahhh ... home! lol

Serious Prayer Time

2009-03-02T14:16:00.000-08:00

Alright, Folks - it's time to start praying and praying hard.

Friday I am scheduled for my last chemo!!

The PET scan was denied by insurance, so I'll have another CT scan 3 weeks after chemo and get the results from the doc the next week. (April 6th, I see her)

I need that CT to be CLEAR! I need those little whatever-they-ares to not have grown or done anything interesting. They need to be scar tissue.

I need to have NO evidence of disease, so I can go off chemo and try to get back to being healthy. I need a break. I need a rest. I need my life back. It's been 2.5 years, now, and I'm tired.

So if you're a pray-er ... please pray. If you're not ... well ... pray anyway. Please!

In other news - my anti-depressants have kicked in, and I am feeling MUCH better. I've actually been out of my chair and busy doing stuff for days, now. It's so exciting. And my house looks great! YAY!

The kids have been sick - joy! BigSister is well enough to be back at school. The Littles don't have fevers today, but are super-whiny and driving me insane. I'm hoping that they'll be better by tomorrow, and we can move on. I'm a bad mom - I'm seriously irritated by sick kids.

I think that's it. Please be praying that Friday really is my last chemo - I don't know how much longer I can deal with this nonsense. It needs to go away and stay away! Thanks! Y'all rock!

And another thing!

2009-02-19T16:11:00.000-08:00

Yeah - I'm posting twice in one day. Take a moment to recover.

This will be full of randomness - just so you're warned.

BoyChild -
Today, he's looking at Daddy's magazines and says, "Hey! Mommy! Look! This is our new president!" Sure enough, it was Obama. I asked him how he knew that, and his answer was, "Because I'm smart and I know my things!" :::giggle::: I was then informed that he couldn't remember the president's name. I told him - Barack Obama - and he's been saying it over and over all day as he finds his picture in magazines. It's been quite entertaining. I'm still not sure how the 4 year old knows who the president is; but I'm impressed. :)

LittleSister -
Still not potty trained. Does not care one lick about being potty trained. We've given up. I ask her every time I change her, "Do you want to go on the potty?" She says no. Whatever. She knows her ABCs now - I have a cute video of her and BoyChild singing them. I'll put it at the end of this post. Lately she's been paying more attention to me. Yeah - that sounded weird. You have to understand that she was only 7 months old when I first had surgery and couldn't hold her for 8 weeks. Since then I've had 3 more surgeries. Our bond is kind of weird. She is a hard-core daddy's girl. She's also very independant and happy to play alone, so she's never really given me much thought, I don't think. Recently she has started climbing up on my lap, giving me kisses, and starting little games with me. She's never done that before, and I'm enjoying it.

BigSister -
She's precious. Trying so hard to be a grown-up and still so young and innocent. It's an interesting age. When she's not being sassy and trying to be the mom, she's smart and talkative and SO funny. She'll be turning 11 next month. I can't believe how the time has flown. I miss my baby girl, but I'm enjoying the young lady she's turning into. (Most of the time) She reads constantly, is way into Hannah Montana and HSM, and loves Taylor Swift. She wants a sleepover for her birthday - I'm hoping to be well enough by then to pull that off.

Steve -
Wonderful as always. He has been bustin' his hump to take care of me and the kids, and I am so very grateful.

Me -
I'm alright. The chemo started that buildup thing it does, so the last two cycles I've been sicker than before. I try hard to focus on the fact that I'm not as sick as last time, and that's a blessing. The body aches are killing me, though. I HURT so bad - like all the time. It's ridiculous. I asked Steve just last night, "How is it possible to have taken dilaudid and still want to cry?" Then I fell asleep - haha! If it can't fix the pain, at least it knocks me out. The fatigue is taking a toll, too. It's hard work to be exhausted all the time. I get so discouraged that I can't get up and do my mommy-jobs and play with my family. Emotionally I think I'm starting to get better. The psychiatrist put me back on my meds, and they seem to be helping. Only a tiny bit so far - but I'll take it. I'm tired of being crazy. (My family is tired, too.)

I'm going to a women's retreat with church this weekend. I'm SO excited. This is a yearly event for the ladies of our church and it is always so awesome. Actually - I think I've blogged about it before. Where was that? Here it is! This is the last one I went to before we moved to Oklahoma. I missed it so much while I was gone, and am so thrilled that I'll be going this year. I was afraid it would fall during a sick week or a chemo week, but it didn't, so YAY God!! I'll be leaving tomorrow afternoon and will be coming home on Sunday morning. Steve will be home with the kids - pray for him. This will be my first break from the kids in 2.5 years, (besides hospital stays, which don't count) so I'm thrilled and sad at the same time. I'll miss the little monsters.

That's all. You're all caught up, now. Enjoy the video - and I'll be back next week! Hopefully with a new, better attitude and a fresh word from God.

Friday

2009-02-19T11:37:00.000-08:00

I told you I had some stories about chemo on Friday - so here I am to share them. God was totally with us that day, it was so cool! :)

First - we got out of the house early. That never happens. Ha! Nyla offered to treat us to Starbucks, since she had a gift card and we had extra time. What a nice surprise. We go through the drive through, order our drinks, and are waiting at the window for the second one to be made. The guy working the window bends down and says to Nyla "So, what are you guys up to, today?"

She replies, "We're off to chemo, my girlfriend has to have treatment today."

He bends down further, to look in at me, and says "Oh, I'm sorry." He looked so sad. I hate that!

We proceed to tell him that chemo day isn't all bad, and that we have a good time getting away from everyone for 6 hours and catching up and talking. I made a joke about chemo being worth it to get a break from the kids.

He makes a remark about how great it is that I have a good attitude, and that it must be easier that way. I was honest. I told him that my attitude wasn't always good, and that yesterday was a bad day, but today I was determined to be in a good mood.

He says, "I'm so glad you guys came through today. Everyone is always crabby on Friday, and you two have been so nice and cheerful."

It was nice. To be able to brighten someone's day - and to have him brighten our's. Those little connections that remind you to shine for Jesus at ALL times, because someone's bound to be blessed by it.

Next story -

We're sitting in the waiting room, waiting to find out which room I'll be in, and I noticed that I had two coffee cups and Nyla didn't. We both ordered hot drinks, so there was no reason why mine should be doubled and not her's. Weird.

While we're discussing this highly important discovery (ha!) I read the quote on the side of the cup. You know what I'm talking about, right? The profound quote from customers that Starbucks puts on the side of their cups?

Here's mine:
"Can we laugh about cancer? Is it funny to lose your breasts? Am I crazy to have humor when I lose my hair? Should I ignore the giggles while receiving chemo? What if I nudge someone and sneak a smile, even though I have no eyebrows? Is it inappropriate? Don't be offended, it beats waxing!" ~ Julie Wade - Starbucks customer and cancer survivor from Seattle, WA

WHOA! Seriously? How crazy is that? I saved the cup.

Last story -

We get all hooked up - early, even! Chemo is going in well. I've had my lunch and we're just chatting. The curtain opens, and in walks Steve.

He had taken a half day off work and decided to spend it with me at chemo. Awww!!

He's never been into chemo with me. In Oklahoma he would just drop me off at the front doors and head straight for work. Since we've been here, Nyla has taken me so that he could go to work. He's only even seen a chemo room once - in Oklahoma - and that was just long enough to pick up a prescription.

It was a total surprise, and such a blessing. Now he knows a little more about what goes on while I'm getting treatment - and he made me feel so special by spending the afternoon watching me sit.

We ended up taking Nyla out to dinner after treatment, and I turned to Steve on the way home and said, "It was a good day."

Then I just smiled and thanked God. Who would have ever thought that I'd get to a place where I could come home at the end of treatment day and be thankful for what a good day it had been?!

God is so good to me.

Quick note

2009-02-17T14:15:00.001-08:00

I WANT to blog - really I do. I have things to say. I'm not ignoring you on purpose.

Between appointments and days of feeling sick and doing nothing then the catch-up days, I just can't seem to get anything written.

It doesn't help that the kids won't sit still and shush long enough for me to form a sentence.

In any case - treatment went well on Friday. I actually have a couple cool stories to tell you - if I can remember them long enough to get them posted.

No further news on Steve's dad. He had doctor's appointments yesterday and today, so hopefully we'll know more soon.

Side effects are icky today - so I'm trying to rest. Read: sitting in the chair hoping the kids don't notice me or want anything. Hah! Resting doesn't work well around here.

And there goes another one hollerin' ... see ya soon!

Not pneumonia

2009-02-04T19:33:00.000-08:00

It's not pneumonia, after all.

Steve's dad has congestive heart failure. His heart is working at about 30%.

As of right now, he's saying he doesn't want any invasive treatment. He's willing to take the pills they give him, but not to have anymore tests. I believe he said something along the lines of "My heart is going to stop working someday anyway."

He's still in the hospital. But that's about all we know at this point.

Please pray.

For Dave and for Steve - and his sister, her kids, his mom - the people who love Dave.

This is not going to be a fun journey.

Couple things

2009-02-03T10:26:00.000-08:00

First - my little ones have learned to play together. It is the cutest thing in the world. I love it!

Second - Steve's dad is in the hospital. Several things in play, here.

A - He passed out the other day. He was in the parking lot at the bowling alley and down he went. He's a diabetic. His blood sugar was 22. We're not sure what was going on, because he refused medical treatment. He said it must've been because he hadn't eaten, but also said he HAD eaten - so who knows on that one.

B - Yesterday he was throwing up blood. They took him to the ER. After many hours and many tests, they decided it was pneumonia and admitted him.

C - Steve got a call from his mom this morning. They found fluid around his heart. They will be doing more tests.

This man had diabetes for 10 YEARS without any treatment. He ate what he wanted, did what he wanted, and never followed up with the doctor. Then one day at work, he heard a pop from his eye and suddenly couldn't see from that eye. The diabetes was so bad that he lost his vision.

THEN - his kidneys stopped working. He had a transplant in ... crap, I can't remember what year. 2002, I think. He came through that well.

He has also had heart issues before, but I don't know the details there.

So at this point, we're all pretty scared. He's got enough health problems that anything new is a BIG deal.

If you could all pray - that they'll find what's wrong and fix it - that would be great. Also, that he'll LISTEN to the doctors and do what he's supposed to. And doesn't drive everyone insane in the meantime.

Thanks.

If you don't have something nice to say

2009-01-30T09:55:00.000-08:00

Yeah - I stink at that rule. I complain way too much. I know that about myself and am working on it.

But today I have something nice to say, and I thought it would be a pleasant change from all the whining I've been doing lately.

I had a rough day yesterday. I woke up in pain and was very, very sad for no reason at all.

Somewhere around noon, I emailed Steve and said something sassy like "I need to go shopping or out to dinner or something, because spending money we don't have will make me feel better."

I was mostly kidding, but was really trying to come up with something - anything - that would make me feel better. I was just so sad.

He answered back, "Ok, we can go out. Let me try to get a sitter and we can go alone."

Whoa! Ok! I won't argue with that plan!

Long story short - our precious friend, Genie, agreed to come babysit. We used a gift card to go to Outback.

We had a nice, quiet, unrushed meal. We had a conversation. We laughed.

After dinner we went to Dollar Tree, Ross, and KMart - just to look around. It turns out that we don't need anything, so we didn't spend much money. (Grabbed a couple birthday gifts for BigSister and some epsom salts - ha! - we're exciting)

It was wonderful, and I came home feeling more relaxed, immeasurably less sad, and so grateful that I have a husband who cares how I feel and friends who love my kids and are willing to babysit.

God is good - and faithful in even the little things. :)

But I didn't DO anything

2009-01-28T13:24:00.000-08:00

Hi - my name is Jesi - and I'm whiny.

I am SO tired. I'm shaking and weak and about 10 seconds from abandoning my kids so I can take a nap.

But I haven't DONE anything.

I took a load of laundry out of the dryer, put another load in, and started a load.
Emptied an already half-empty dishwasher. Put some dishes back in.
Made lunch for me and the kids. Sandwiches.

That's it!

Now I'm exhausted like I ran a frickin' marathon. This is crazy! Now I won't be able to go to bible study tonight, and making dinner is looking iffy.

I just want to be able to do what I'm supposed to do. I just want to be able to take care of my family and clean my house and make our meals and clean our clothes. You know ... my job.

Is that asking so much? Really?

Ridiculous

2009-01-27T10:02:00.000-08:00

Wanna know what's ridiculous?

When you're hungry and nauseous at the same time.
When you're bored to tears, but too sore to get up and do anything.
When you stayed in bed for 12 hours and are still tired.

PPTTTHHHH!!

I'm so over all of this. Two more treatments to go, and then I'm done. I hope. Please, Jesus, let me be done.

Chemo went fine on Friday - sorry I didn't update sooner. I have felt like total crud. My little sick "schedule" I had figured out went haywire this week.

BoyChild and BigSister got over their colds. Now LittleSister has it - mine is still lingering - and Steve feels like he's coming down with it. Nothing serious, of course, but annoying - and keeping us in the house, so we don't infect people.

I missed church on Sunday to stay home with LittleSister. Missing church is always a bummer. Our preacher came over at night, though, and brought me communion. That was awesome. :o)

I was hoping to be able to get to church tonight for our Soup Dinner for the homeless - but LittleSister's nose is still running like crazy, so I'm not sure that's gonna work out.

Apparently I had nothing important to say. Lame.

Prayer Request

2009-01-22T14:53:00.000-08:00

I'm so silly. I got so excited about that song that I forgot why I got on to blog in the first place.

I really need y'all to pray. Those who were already praying - pray harder.

I really REALLY need for those spots to be scar tissue. I'm not panicky or anything, I'm sure everything is fine, but I REALLLLLLY need for them to be scar tissue.

I'm exhausted, y'all. It's been 2.5 years, now, and I really need a break. I need to feel healthy. I need to not hurt. I need to not be so damn tired all the time. I need to not have cancer.

I need you to pray - with all your heart and all your strength - that it's just scar tissue.

Also, if you would pray that the new crazy pills will work well and work quickly. I need to be mentally healthy, too. For the sake of my husband and my kids, I need to not be crazy.

I know you're all praying anyway - but this time I'm asking for specific prayers. I so desperately need a break ... and that can happen if the cancer goes away and the meds work. So please, please pray for me.

Thanks! You're the best! (even those of you who are complete strangers and never leave me comments - hee hee)

Thank you God and Barbie

2009-01-22T09:01:00.000-08:00

My God is so cool. He's manages to pop in and surprise me nearly every day.

Today He had a word for me from Barbie. A song. A hope. A few tears. A new direction.

More on that in a minute ...

Yesterday was hard.

The night before, Joey had to go to ER in the middle of the night. Like he's done a couple other times in his life, he decided that breathing was over rated and started wheezing and hurting about 12:30am. By 3:30, he and Daddy were back home with a diagnosis of bronchial spasms and a prescription for Albuterol liquid. He's going to be fine. It was still scary and I still didn't sleep at all.

Wednesday morning, Steve woke me up and left for work. Almost half way there - he remembered that he didn't leave me the insurance info I need to fill Joey's prescription. I tried texting - he didn't hear it - so by the time he got back, there wasn't enough time for him to walk to work and be on time. I texted Nyla (Thank God for Nyla) and asked if she could take me to fill the script before the babysitter came, Steve took the van, and I finally got a cup of coffee. (ha! priorities, yanno)

9:15 - off to the store to fill the meds.
10:15 - back to the house where the babysitter is now waiting in the cold for us.
- give kids a snack
- give Joey his meds
- explain everything to the babysitter
10:30 - fly out the door to get to SCCA on time.

I had an 11:00 appointment at the lab. Need to have my blood draw. Which went fine. The new port worked fine. The guy was nice. My chest is sore, now. I don't think the new port was ready to pushed and shoved and messed with. I'll live.

I had a 12:00 appointment with my gyn/onc. To go over the CT Scan, and how chemo has been going, get my physical exam ... typical appointment. Wasn't thinking much of it because it's only been 3 months since surgery and I've been on chemo all that time - what could possibly be going on in there?

HMPH! That's why they don't pay me to think!

There are spots in my belly. Itty bitty spots, but spots none-the-less. According to radiology they are "consistent with recurrance" and are approximately 0.8cm x 1.2cm. (To put that in perspective - my first tumor was 13cm, the second one 18cm.) TINY little spots that are "consistent with recurrence."

Yeah - I started crying. Not because I was panicking so much as just being SHOCKED! It never occurred to me that this would be anything more than a normal check up.

Dr. G says "I look at CT Scans for a living. Every day, 20 a day, this is what I do" According to her, it is most likely NOT cancer. It is probably scar tissue from all the abdominal surgeries I've had. She did a very thorough exam, and didn't feel anything, and then explained that every tumor I've had has been very hard - and would show up quite quickly because of that. Also, because the spots are showing as above the major ab muscle, we would be more likely to feel a tumor. And she didn't feel a thing.

Ok. *whew* Now what?

We will be trying to schedule a PET Scan. PET scans are different from CT Scans. CT Scans see shadows and masses - PET shows your body on a cellular level and thus can see when there are cancer cells accumulating. The problem is that PETs are very expensive and insurance companies don't like to pay for them. UGH! So that goes in the "wait and see" pile for now.

If I can't get a PET, we will still wait and see. I would've had already been getting another CT after chemo is done - so we'll do that one and see if the teeny tiny spots have grown or shrunk or moved or whatever.

Because Jesi is SO gifted at being patient and playing the wait and see game. BLAH!!

Then Nyla and I went to lunch at the Outback. That was fun. We had an hour and a half to hang out without being at the doctor. That doesn't happen tooo often.

Then BACK to SCCA because I had an appointment with the shrink at 2. He was wonderful. He asked all the right questions, brought up symptoms that I didn't even KNOW were related to my depression, double checked that I didn't have any other issues such as bi-polar or OCD. He explained how all the different meds work on your brain, and what the differences are, and why he was choosing for me the med he was choosing. He was really great. That's the most I've ever trusted a doctor working with my depression. I'm glad he's who I got. He gave me a prescription, and I will go back in two weeks. Not because the meds will be working by then - they take 4-6 weeks to really work - but to check on side effects and stuff.

(This is so long - I'm sorry)

We filled the 'script - got home at 4. I was WIPED and when Steve got home, he fixed supper for the kids. Then I went to our new bible study at church and that was wonderful. Then I watched tv for a while and passed out. The end.

Wait! It can't be the end. I never explained to you the gift I got from Barbie this morning.

So ... here's the deal ... it's been two and a half YEARS I've been dealing with this cancer nonsense. Not to mention new babies and cross country moves and buying/losing a home, raising kids and trying to be a wife and in the midst of all that try to have a relationship with my Lord.

God is so very real in my life. I was telling Steve recently that in my walk with Christ, the Lord is no less real to me than my kids are. No less a part of my day than my husband. He is always here and always real and always mine.

But sometimes *I* get lost. Sometimes I get stuck in the middle of my mess and forget. Sometimes I think He must've stopped loving me - when the reality of it is - I've stopped loving Him. I've stopped making it a priority to spend time with Him and in His word. Because I'm busy. Busy raising kids, busy being sick, busy being busy.

And I'm so angry with Him. I KNOW that He has a plan for my life -but His plan SUCKS! He obviously lost His mind when He decided I could handle this. He makes me so mad! He moved me to stinkin' Oklahoma - then two weeks later I've got cancer and no family, no church family, very few friends, and a whole host of other crap to deal with. How could He possibly think that's a good plan?? HOW?!

How was it a good plan for me to have cancer THREE TIME in less than 3 years?? In what world does that make any sense? Once wasn't enough? Really?! Yeah - great thinking, God. I'm having a good time, here, might as well prolong it.

Disclaimer: I don't really believe any of those things - I just feel them. We all know that our feelings lie. :)

Back to Barbie's gift.

Her blog this morning had this on it:

Whatever You're Doing (Something Heavenly) lyrics

It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
All I can do is surrender

[Chorus]
Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is you want from me
I give everything I surrender...
To...

[Chorus]

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to to release all my held back tears

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly
Something heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time breathe in and let everything out

Thanks, Barbie. I needed to hear that this morning. I love you.

Thank you, Father, for always having a timely word to remind me that You really do love me and You really do have plans for me and that I always have a hope. I love You and I'm sorry for all the times I turn the other way and forget You. Thank you for never ever turning away from me. Amen.

Book Review: Cole Family Christmas

2009-01-14T09:12:00.000-08:00

Yes - that says Christmas. I'm a moron. I sent for two books to read and review. I thought it'd be right up my alley, since I love to read and I love having opinions.

Psh! I forgot to read this one for like two months - then forgot to review it for another month.

The other one? I might have lost it. I don't have any recollection of it arriving and no earthly clue where I might have put it.

Needless to say, I won't be sending for more books to review.

Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnyway ....

I really did enjoy Cole Family Christmas. It was a sweet, sweet book based on a true story. It was written from the memories of one of the children in the story (Hazel Cole Kendle) as told to her granddaughter-in-law (Jennifer Liu Bryan). Awwww! :)

I started with the synopsis on the inside flaps, because I have to read the back of the book (or flaps) before I start. It's a sickness.

" The wish book. This amazing year, the nine children in the Cole family have been allowed to sit down with the Sears, Roebuck and Company catalogue to choose the gift they would most like to receive for Christmas. This is a rare event, for the Coles are not wealthy. This is the true, tender, and wholly unforgettable tale of a coal miner's family, as remembered by the youngest of the family, now 88 years old, and told by her granddaughter-in-law. The story takes place in the small company town of Benham, Kentucky, in a time (1920) and place when coal was king and families made their precarious living mining the dirty and sometimes deadly coal."

I don't want to give away the story, but the book revolves around Christmas in a poor, mining family. One of the kids breaks Mama's favorite glass bowl and the family spends the rest of the Christmas season discovering the true meaning of Christmas and what "gifts" are most important.

My favorite thing about this book was that it was written to be shared with the entire family. It's a short, easy read - so it's great for reading aloud to the little kids. BigSister read it when I was finished, and also really enjoyed it. (She flat-out refused to do a review for my blog, though. Stinker!) It has the cutest illustrations on every page. It's a hardback, so it's a little harder for my Littles to destroy. It's truly a family experience to read this book. I love that!

I wish I would have gotten this review done before Christmas so you could have all run out and bought it. I think you'd really enjoy it. (You can still buy it and save it for next year) As for me, I'm packing it away in the Christmas box, and next year the whole family will read it again. Because the book is really that great. :)

Not ok - not ok at all

2009-01-11T13:38:00.000-08:00

I haven't been blogging much. I haven't had anything to say. (Those of you who are laughing can shush.) Those of you who don't know me have no idea how weird it is for me to have nothing to say.

I'm having trouble. This last week was the worst I've had so far with symptoms. I hurt so bad and I'm tired and I feel yucky.

I've also been fighting a cold. It's nothing big, just a stuffy head, but it's annoying the mess out of me.

On top of that, my depression is seriously kicking my ass. I've got an appointment for the psychiatrist at the cancer care center on the 21st. In the meantime, I'm a mess.

I've been off my meds for nearly a year, now. Up until now, I've been managing ok. Lots of prayer, and talking to friends, and deep breathing. (And anxiety pills! ha!) I've definitely not been great, but I've been getting through it.

Not so much for the last couple of months.

It has nothing to do with circumstances. It's all about the frickin' disease.

I'm so blessed to be back home, to have friends, a church home, and chemo is going so much more easily than last time. We were spoiled rotten over Christmas - we JUST stopped getting presents. My mom and step-dad came to visit and that was wonderful.

In spite of all that is going well in my life - I feel horrible. I'm sad. I'm hopeless. I'm scared. I'm angry. I can't work up even the least little bit of thankfulness for all that I have, because I'm stuck in the pit thinking about all that I don't.

It sucks. A lot. I don't want to be this way. I don't want to feel this way. I don't want to act this way. I want to be a good mom and wife and friend. I want to celebrate the joys in my life. I want to be grateful.

I want my meds back! I hope the shrink can come up with something that will work for me. I hope that the 4-6 weeks it takes for the meds to kick in go quickly. I hope that I don't alienate everyone I love between now and then.

Silly Meme

2009-01-08T13:51:00.000-08:00

I've never done one of these before - but I was feeling brave today - so here we go.

Just so you know - it's Sarah's fault. You'll find her over at Ordinary Days.

Here are the specifics:

1. Go to the 4th picture folder on your computer.

2. Post the 4th picture in that folder.

3. Explain the picture.

4. Tag 4 more people.

Here goes:

haha - that wasn't so bad. This is LittleSister and Daddy. Obviously. We were sitting around watching tv the other night, and she was just hanging out on his head. Apparently it's comfortable.

I'm gonna be a copycat and not tag anyone ... if you're reading this, you have to do it. Or I'll come find you and give you a wet willy!

Diapers until college - and I don't care

2009-01-05T13:42:00.000-08:00

I hear you. I hear you all. Your kid was potty trained before they were 1. Your kid never had an accident. My kid is going to NEVER be potty trained - ever. My kid will go to college in diapers. Three years old is TOO OLD to wear diapers.

Know what?

I. Do. Not. Care.

Feel free to quit talking to me about it. I'm not listening anymore.

There is a reason I do it the way I do - and it works for us. If it doesn't work for you, that's fine - I'm not telling you to do it my way. So how's'about you quit telling me to do it YOUR way - because it does not work for me.

Exhibit A -

I listened over the holidays - to too many people telling me it was time for LittleSister to be out of diapers. Fine. I put her in panties.

And in the middle of my lunch, I just spent a half an hour cleaning up diarrhea. From my child. From her clothes. From my floor. From the carpet that I do NOT own. From ME! With my compromised immune system - I just spent a half hour playing with poop.

Thanks for all the help, thanks for all the advice, thanks for letting me know that I'm doing it all wrong ... but really ... that's enough.

She can wear diapers until she's 45 - I don't care. I am NOT cleaning any more poop from my floor.

Thank you and have a nice day.

Half Way Done!

2009-01-02T19:40:00.000-08:00

I had chemo today. That makes treatment 3 of 6. Halfway done! Woot!

Things were kinda weird today. My port has flipped over, so they can't access it.

What that meant for me today was an hour of trying to get to it. Sometimes they wiggle around, so the nurse wasn't positive if it had flipped or if it was just being difficult.

After multiple tries, including a second nurse holding it still, I was sent down to Radiology. I guess they're the ones who know how to flip them. It requires an Xray and dye study to make SURE it's upside down first.

I got to Radiology and got put in a room, the doctor came in, said he'd have to do the Xray/dye thing, then said he had a patient on the table, but would be back when he was done with that.

AN HOUR LATER the nurse came back and said "Well, he's got this other patient - it's going to be another hour."

BLAH!!!!! No! I'm not really wanting to sit in this freezing cold, boring room for another hour. Can I go get some lunch or something? "Sure, if you're staying in the building. Since you have to go back upstairs anyway, can you bring back your chart?" Sure, why not.

Nyla and I went back up to Infusion, called the chemo nurse, told her what was going on. She says "Well, the doc says it's flipped, so we'll have to wait on him."

Ummm ... wait a minute! The doctor never so much as looked at it. He didn't even leave the doorway. What the hell? Why can't we just do this by IV instead of waiting on him?

I don't know if I've mentioned it here or not, but I am NOT good with needles. After being poked multiple times in my chest, my port being manipulated a zillion times, sitting in that cold room, my chemo being moved back and back and now they're telling me "Well, we could flip it and you could come back tomorrow" - I was starting to lose it. Nyla told the nurse "She's getting to the edge, and you do NOT want to see her go over it." If I'd had to wait more and go back tomorrow, I would have been very very cranky. I can cope with chemo - but only as long as it goes according to plan. When things get weird, I get really scared and stressed and bitchy.

Anyway - long story, short - I ended up getting my chemo by IV today, instead of through my port. One nurse thought it was a terrible idea (Taxol leaking would be dangerous) but my nurse was willing to give it a shot. She said there were three other nurses on shift who were better at IVs than she was, so if she couldn't do it, it would get done. She warmed my arms, got the stuff, and hit my vein in one try. Sweet!

My appointment today was at 10, at about 12:30 we got the pre-meds going. I ended up taking two naps today. I've never slept at chemo before, it was so weird. Poor Nyla - we usually spend chemo day catching up and talking. It's a good thing she brought her "busy bag" today, because I think I slept about 3 hours total.

As of right now, my chemo coordinators are setting up an appointment to get my port flipped back where it belongs. I have three weeks before the next chemo, so that's good, but I have two blood draws, a CT Scan, and a doc appt between now and then. I sure hope they get it scheduled soon.

Thank you ALL for all your prayers and support. I can never find the words to explain how much it helps.

I'm Brilliant(e)

2008-12-23T09:15:00.000-08:00

Barbie gave me an award! YAY for awards! Thanks, Barbie! I love you.

It really bothers me that they spelled brilliant incorrectly - because I'm weird like that.

I guess the rule is you have to pass it on. I'm not sure. I'm gonna go with it.

I'd like to pass it on to Meaghan - over at I Kicked Cancer's Ass.

She not only beat the battle with cancer - she also graduated law school in the midst of the struggle - AND she started a business to raise money for cancer research - AND she started Spirit Jump to raise the spirits of people with cancer. She's amazing - I wanna be like her when I grow up. Everyone go show her some love - she just graduated this weekend.

So, Miss Meaghan ... congrats on your graduation. I'm so impressed with all you do. You are BRILLANT(e)!

Grammy's Coming!!

2008-12-21T11:34:00.000-08:00

Just in case I hadn't mentioned that we were excited to see my mom ...

Here's BoyChild this morning, marking off the day on his countdown calendar.

Merry Christmas, Mommy!

2008-12-16T10:48:00.000-08:00

I had an unexpected chemo-sick day yesterday. I was just fine Saturday and Sunday, so when it showed up yesterday, it kicked my butt by surprising me.

This morning I'm having a battle of the wills with a 4 year old boy who refuses to eat what he's served - and it's NOT liking Mommy putting her foot down.

It's up to 23 degrees here - ice on the roads - two hour bus delay. I'm sitting around with a cotton hat and thick socks on, because I'm FREEZING!

Sooo ... all this to say ... I was feeling kind of sorry for myself. Most of you know I struggle with clinical depression, so it doesn't take much for me to go down and stay down. I was sitting here tooling around the internet, looking for something to keep my mind of my self-pity. Something to keep me entertained. Something to lift my spirits.

It's only a week until my mommy gets here - I have NO time for sitting. She'll beat me if she sees my house in this condition!

And then ... *ding* ... I got an email! A very very happy email! A Christmas present for me!! Yay!!

I WON a Keurig - Platinum Brewing System. O!M!G!!

My uncle has one - and I've sooooo been coveting it. I am a big fan of coffee, I drink it every single day, it makes me so happy. A fancy-pants coffee pot - oh heck yeah I need one! But WHOA - I don't have $200 to spend on a fancy coffee pot. The $8 pot I already own will have to do.

UNLESS I WIN ONE!!!! I literally teared up, y'all. Over a coffee pot. I don't know if that speaks more to my obsession over coffee, or how pitiful I was feeling, but there were tears.

So I just wanted to say "Thank you, Thank you, Thank you every so much!!" to Tracy from BookRoomReviews. You can never know how you (and random.org, and Keurig) just brightened my day - and Lo! my entire Christmas! Thank you!!

Merry Christmas!!

Chemo part two - day two

2008-12-15T14:48:00.000-08:00

Friday went really well. No allergic reactions. No issues. Plenty of time to sit and talk to Nyla and enjoy each other's company.

Saturday - not sick at all. Went out. Ate two whole meals. Got chores done around the house. Great day.

Sunday - hmmm - maybe. My stomach gave me a couple gurgles, I was really sleepy, but I made it through without much trouble.

YAY God for less side effects, less sickness, and time to get things done.

Yeah - until today. Goodness gracious almighty! My stomach is bad, my bones hurt, my head hurts, and I am SO tired.

I tried to convince the Littles that they wanted to nap with Mommy in her bed, but that only lasted about a half an hour, because it's just a little hard to sleep with them squirming and talking and being stinky. No nap for me!

So LittleSister just fell asleep on the couch as I was typing this. Doesn't that just figure? I only have 30 minutes until BigSister gets home, and would wake me up.

Laugh or cry ... who can tell?

Curiousity

2008-12-11T16:14:00.001-08:00

Hi there ~

I know, I know - I already blogged today. Sorry.

I just checked my sitemeter thingy and it told me that I have a lot of visitors. (Ok, not A LOT - but more than I figured)

Jesica Site Summary

VISITS

	Total	7,704
	Average Per Day	53
	Average Visit Length	0:35
	Last Hour	2
	Today	42
	This Week	374

I don't even KNOW 53 people who would be reading my blog in one day. That's nutty.

So ... if you would ... if you're reading this regularly, will you leave me a comment and let me know who ya are and how you found me. Pretty please!

Thanks!!

That time again ...

2008-12-11T12:54:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow is chemo number two. I'm so not excited. I'm not nearly as stressed as last time, though. I always feel better when I know what to expect, and this time I do.

Genie will be babysitting and Nyla will be going with me. I'm actually kind of looking forward to getting 5 (or 7) hours alone with her. That doesn't happen except on chemo day, so I'll take it. :) Besides - there's pudding at chemo - and I love pudding! lol

I'm hoping I won't be any more sick than I was last time, and praying that God would let me be even less sick. Because that would be awesome! :)

The lice is gone. Or at least we're praying it is. We did the re-treat on Tuesday, and didn't see any bugs or eggs on either girl, so YAY GOD for that! I'm just today finishing up the last of the amazing laundry adventure. Can you believe that? More than a week, it took me. Well - us - because Steve is wonderful and has been helping a lot! If you're so inclined, you could say a prayer that it's gone and stays gone.

Hmm ... what else?

Oh! Ha! My hair's falling out. Obviously I'm not as traumatized as last time, because I didn't even blog about it. My body hair started coming out about a week ago, and on Sunday the hair on my head let go. It's pretty splotchy right now, it must be coming out slower than last time. It's not bothering me - except for the itching. It itches BAD when you're covered with itty bitty hairs. My head is cold, too. It's NOT spring in Oklahoma - let me tell ya! Luckily I have scarfs and a couple hats from last time, so I keep it covered. :)

It's only twelve days until my mommy gets here. I am SO excited! YAY! She's staying six days - and will be here for Christmas Eve, Christmas morning, and the Big Family Christmas Party. It's the first Christmas we've had together since I've had kids, so I'm super stoked that the kids will have Grammy here on Christmas morning.

I've got a book review I need to do for "Cole Family Christmas" so be on the lookout for that. I was waiting on BigSister to finish it, but she got distracted by a library book, so I guess I need to get a move on. Big slacker!

For those who are intested in my cooking - haha - I made chocolate chip pancakes last night, with bacon and eggs. Totally forgot to take pictures, sorry. I haven't been cooking hardly at all, and really need to start again. We can't afford take out!

I think that's my whole update. It'll probably be a few days before I post again, unless chemo is merciful this time.

Betrayed

2008-12-04T20:33:00.000-08:00

I don't like to shower.

How's that for an opening line? LOL

I put off showering - often - and I think tonight I figured out why. It's quiet in there. I'm alone in there. In the shower is as alone as I ever am - as quiet as my life ever gets. When you have 3 kids, the noise level doesn't drop that low ... like ... umm ... ever.

I just got out of the shower. It went as normal. The water comes on, the noise goes off, and my brain clicks on. The thoughts and fears and emotions all come rushing in.

I'm washing my belly, and suddenly I understand part of why this cancer makes me so angry.

My body betrayed me. The stomach that so recently was the shelter of my unborn children is now the home of a killer disease.

That pisses me off.

The parts of my body that God made to bring forth a new baby have completely betrayed me. They were put in me to create LIFE - and instead they're harboring death.

What the hell is that? That was NOT what they're there for. This isn't right. This is NOT how my life is supposed to go. Piece of crap, stupid damn ovaries. You didn't do your job right. You screwed it up and now you're gone and you left in your wake this disgusting disease.

*deep breath*

I'm fine. This stupid disease is NOT going to kill me. It's just not. I'm going to fight and win. Period.

But man! It makes me so angry sometimes. So very angry.

Insult to injury

2008-12-02T11:38:00.000-08:00

alternate title "Cancer causes lice"

Yes. Lice.

AGAIN!

I'm so mad I could just throw up.

Last December we got lice. We thought we got rid of it. At the same time the cancer came back in Feb, the lice was back . We thought we got rid of it. Then in June when we got to Seattle, we had it again. At that point I was still sick from chemo, and still bald, and REALLY angry. Everyone in the family got their head shaved. Problem solved.

Mmm hmm ... it's back.

JUST when I start feeling a little better from chemo, and JUST when I think I can go on with my life like a normal person, (at least til next Friday), JUST when the girls are starting to have hair again, I have to deal with this.

All day yesterday was spent packing away stuffed animals (which I have NO place to store. nice) and washing bedclothes, and spraying mattresses, and shampooing/combing out the girls' hair. (Boy, Mommy and Daddy go bald) After doing laundry all day, PLUS Steve taking our bedding to the laundromat at 8 at night, this is what the main bathroom looks like today.

Nice, huh? The tub is full of dirty clothes - that basket was all that was clean as of 20 minutes ago. The house has been sprayed and vacuumed, the girls' hair treated and combed, but the laundry is gonna last forever. Which means I'm probably not really rid of this, and we'll be treating it for months again. Only this time, BigSister will be missing school, and isn't that just peachy.

(and just because I'm evil - THIS is why I kept pestering Steve and BigSister to keep up with the laundry while I couldn't do it. The pile wouldn't have been so big if every basket in the house hadn't be overflowing before I started. UGH!)

I had two or three complete meltdowns yesterday. Cancer I can deal with. Chemo I can deal with. But lice in the middle of it? Not so much.

Also, this means no one can come to our house - or us to their's - until I'm sure it's gone. And it's never gone. Obviously. I've been dealing with it for a YEAR now.

Anyway ... that's my temper tantrum for the day. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got about 10 more loads of laundry to do, and I need to check the girls' hair again.

Breaking the fast

2008-11-25T13:53:00.000-08:00

Our preacher told us on Sunday to try to take a week's fast. A fast from complaining.

It's not working very well for me, and I'm want a special exemption!

I'm trying very hard to count my blessings and be grateful and not whine - but doggone it - I HURT!

The nausea is much better today. I remembered that my spearmint breath thingies make my tummy feel better. So I've been sucking on them most of the day. I broke a tooth. Figures.

I managed to make lunch for the Littles, and a leftover steak and cheese sandwich for me. I ate it. It stayed down. Whooppee!

I'm exhausted! Good gravy, you couldn't begin to understand how tired. I was trying to explain it to Steve the other day; "It's feeling like you climbed Mt. Everest, knowing full well you sat all day." I'm WHOOOPED! For no good reason.

I can't nap. I tried yesterday. I took the Littles into bed with me, turned on PBS, laid there for like 45 minutes not sleeping, then as SOON as my eyes shut, LittleSister jumped off the bed and started tearing into stuff. Niiiiice. I got up. Obviously.

A lady from church sent dinner for tonight. That was lovely of her. I hope I feel well enough to eat it. If not, it's chinese food, Steve and the kids will like it.

I ache all over. My whole entire everything hurts. It sucks. I could take pain meds, but that seems like a dumb idea when my tummy is liable to turn at any moment.

WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!! I don't feel good. I don't wanna be alone today. I want a nap. I want to feel better. I want it all to go away.

I'm complaining!! Feel free to tell the preacher.

And pray for my craptastic attitude. Because it's suckin' today.

Why did I come?

2008-11-25T07:31:00.000-08:00

That's what I was asking myself as I sat in church Sunday morning.

Am I here to socialize? Am I here to get attention for being sick? Am I here to show God's mercy in how little I'm sick? Am I here to get out of the house? Am I here out of habit? Why did I come?

Back at home; I had woken up before 7am. I couldn't fall back asleep, so I got up. Once up, I realized I kinda felt ok, so I had some light cookies and a bit of coffee. Still good. Took a shower. Still good. Bent over to pull up my pants. NOT good! Not good at all. There was tearing and ripping in my abdomen and I cried. It hurts.

Ok - I'll take some pain pills. I'm already up and dressed for pity's sake, of course I'm going to church. I'm still good.

Got in the van, got to the end of the parking lot, and BLAH! Not so good. Tummy just went anarchist on me. Oh well, we're already on the way. I gotta go to church!

This is pretty much how I felt by the time I got to the church building (about a mile away) "I gotta go to church." Then my heart said "You GOTTA?" Really? That's the attitude you're going to have?

So I stopped - mid conversation - and admitted my shortcomings to Nyla. "I don't know why I'm here. I hope I'm not here just for attention. I hope I'm here to show that God got me through the chemo and I'm ok. But I don't KNOW why I'm here."

Then worship started. Jeffrey had us say what we were thankful for. I passed. Steve was grateful that we're home. Nyla was grateful for the 7 uninterrupted hours we had to talk during chemo. I had nothing to say. Then we talked about LIVING worship, not just singing it. We had covered it the week before.

I was frustrated at this point, because I don't know WHY I go to church, and it's making me sad. My stomach is gross, I'm getting sleepy, my kids are squirming and distracting me, and I really wanna know why I didn't stay home.

Then the song started.

Light of the world, You step down into darkness.
Opened my eyes let me see.
Beauty that made this heart adore you hope of a life spent with you.

You stepped out of the light for me!! Brought the light down to sinners. Gave me hope to live a life with You. mm ... that sounds familiar

King of all days,
Oh so highly exalted Glorious in heaven above.
Humbly you came to the earth you created.
All for love's sake became poor.

You were a KING! The chosen son of the Mighty God, and you LEFT heaven. You came down here and put on flesh. Because you loved us, you gave away everything. Right ... this is starting to make sense.

I'll never know how much it cost to see my sin upon that cross.
I'll never know how much it cost to see my sin upon that cross.
And I'll never know how much it cost to see my sin upon that cross.
No I'll never know how much it cost to se my sin upon that cross.

And she cracks. How can I ever know what it cost? My many many sins. Daily occurring and sometimes increasing and not nearly often enough repented of. Those sins - of MINE - Jesus DIED for. I'm crying at this point, because HOW did I forget? How did I walk in to church not knowing these things? What is WRONG with me? Why am I here?!?!

Here I am to worship,
Here I am to bow down,
Here I am to say that you're my God,
You're altogether lovely,
Altogether worthy,
Altogether wonderful to me.
So Here I am to worship,
Here I am to bow down,
Here I am to say that you're my God,

*sobbing* I get it now.

I didn't know why I went. I didn't know what to say to people, what to hear from people, what to expect of people, what to give to people.

I was confused. It wasn't about the people. It wasn't about me. It wasn't about how I felt, or whether or not I wanted to go, or what kind of music we were singing that day, or if the sermon was going to be any good.

I was there to worship. I was there to BOW DOW. I was there to say that HE IS MY GOD! He's altogether lovely, altogether worthy, altogether wonderful to me. I was there to worship.

Over at EspeciallyHeather.com today, she put out a call for imperfect Christians bloggers. I am one of those. I am continuously stumbling and falling. I am always asking why me, and how come, and really, Lord, you couldn't have chosen someone else? THREE rounds of cancer? Really? My childhood wasn't enough of a testimony? My youth? My early twenties? All rife with things with which to teach Your Love. But I needed cancer, too? I ask constantly for the cup to be passed. I screw up hourly. He loves me anyway.

So here I am! Just to worship.

Blerrgh

2008-11-22T20:47:00.000-08:00

That is how I feel today. To be specific. *snort* I feel blerrgh.

I finally climbed out of bed around 2 this afternoon. My aunt called to verify some Thanksgiving plans, and much to my surprise, I finally felt well enough to get out of bed and stand up. WHOO!

I ended up staying up. Steve took me out driving for a while, just to get me out of the house. Then after that got old, we stopped by Nyla's. If I gotta be sick - I can be sick at her house. She loves me like that.

We ended up taking her to Red Robin for dinner. I had a bowl of french onion soup and a handful of steak fries. So far, so good - they're still down.

So - all in all - it was a rough morning. I didn't know for sure that I would make it. But then it passed, and now I just feel blerrgh.

If it turns out that the day after chemo is the worst day and this is as bad as it gets, I can live with it. It certainly isn't any fun, but it probably won't kill me. (Or make me wish it would, like last time.)

Right now I'm staying upright to give the food a little more time to digest, and the zantac some time to work before I try to lie down. Otherwise, I would totally be in bed already. Chemo-fatigue is already kickin' my butt. I'm not sure if I'll feel up to going to church tomorrow, we will wait and see.

I made it through. I made it through one round of chemo, and one day-after-chemo, and so far ... not anywhere NEAR as bad as last time. I'm definitely thanking God for that.

Continuing prayer requests :
- that the chemo WORKS and gets rid of all the nasty cancer.
- that the side effects don't get any worse.
(I'd really rather not be so sick that I ruin my kids' holidays.)

Thank you all for caring enough to stop by - and thank you SO much for your prayers!

Chemo day 1 (again)

2008-11-22T08:05:00.000-08:00

Yesterday went really well. I love the staff. I love the facility. I love that Nyla was available to take me and stay with me the whole time.

I had a little reaction to the steroids, so they diluted it more, and I was fine.

Then halfway through the Taxol I had a little reaction. They turned it off, gave me more steroids, and restarted it more slowly. I finished it fine, and had no problems with the Carbo.

Came home feeling fine. Should have blogged then.

Around 2am I woke up with a screaming headache. At 3 am I was vomiting. Needless to say, I didn't sleep well last night.

The headache is still here and horrible, so I'll be signing off, now. Sorry the update wasn't longer.

Let me tell you

2008-11-21T09:35:00.000-08:00

Have you ever wondered what the worst part of having cancer is? Have you ever wondered what is the hardest thing to deal with?

Today I'm going to tell you what the hardest part is for me.

It's the crazy in my head.

"What if I die?" is followed directly with "Should I shave my head today or wait?"

"If I shave my head today, I'll be cold", comes right along side "What if my kids grow up with no mother?"

"I have a couple hats, maybe I can wear one of them" ... running right up on "What if Steve remarries??"

"I need more hats, it's going to be a long winter" ... "My kids would have a step-mom"

"I CAN'T STAND the idea of some other woman raising my kids! I have to live! Maybe I have time to shave it before I go to chemo today."

How come no one ever TALKS to me about the cancer? Don't they care how I feel?
WHY do people have to talk about cancer so much? Isn't there more to me than this disease?
How come no one volunteered to help today? My belly hurts! I wish people would leave me alone, I don't need any help, I can do it myself! I can't do this myself today; I wonder if Steve can come home from work. I'm so scared! I can so TOTALLY beat this cancer. God can heal me. What if God doesn't want me to live? What if the plan all along was for me to die of cancer? That's not the plan, I know in my heart that's not the plan. God loves me, God's going to heal me, I'm going to use this as a ministry. Not that I know what God thinks. Why would I know what God thinks? He's GOD - He might have a bigger picture that will only be fulfilled in His will if I die of cancer. I don't feel like I'm dying. I feel like I'm living. Maybe dying would be easier. That'd be selfish, then my kids have no mom. God will provide for them, too.

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!!!

It's like that inside my head all the time! Nothing makes sense. It never stops. It is 24 hours a day of crazy, circular thinking. THAT is the hardest part for me.

Being sick I can handle - not gracefully at all - but handle. Hurting I can deal with. Being scared becomes a new normal, so you just cope.

But the crazy talk, oh good gravy the crazy talk, it's gonna be the death of me.

Tomorrow, Tomorrow ...

2008-11-20T11:13:00.000-08:00

I'll have chemo tomorrow.

I did a happy post - now I'll share the not-so-happy stuff.

I don't WANNA do chemo, dadgummit. I know it'll be easier this time, I know I have help this time, I know I know I know - but I don't waaaannnnna! :::whine:::

It's gonna make me throw up. It's gonna make me tired. It's gonna make me bald. It's gonna make me crabby.

It's gonna make me better. Please, Jesus, let it make me better. I'm so tired of all of this. For the last 2.5 years, it's been cancer, cancer, cancer. Cancer and surgeries and chemo and cancer and sickness and cancer.

It's stealing my joy. It's stealing my kids' childhoods. It's stealing my husband's wife from him. It's stealing holidays and fun times and birthday parties.

It's time for it to stop! It has GOT to stop. I'm tired of it. I'm over it. I wanna be done, now. I have GOT to get better this time. The chemo HAS to work.

Will you all join me in praying that the chemo does it's job this time. That it kills all the cancer cells for good this time. That I never ever have to do this again. Please.

And just to lighten the mood ... I had to take one last picture of my hair before it starts falling out again. Here ya go!

LittleSister's Third Birthday

2008-11-20T08:56:00.000-08:00

LittleSister turned three last week. Obviously I couldn't do a big party; I'm still healing and can't do much. I ended up inviting people over for just cake and presents. Easy for me, fun for the baby.

It worked out really well. My uncle offered to bring ice cream cake, so I ended up not having to do anything, which was a-ok with me! :)

Today I'm going to tell you about my two favorite presents that LittleSister got. Not necessarily HER favorite, since she like toys the best, but hands-down Mommy's fave!

The first one was a prize I won during the Bloggy Giveaway Carnival I told you about right after surgery. I was pretty much stuck in my chair, so I figured I'd kill time by entering these giveaways. Turns out - I won! Amazing!

One of "my" prizes was a set of hair clippies for Jayla from Sparkle and Charm Boutique. I was really hoping to win these because Jayla's hair is just growing back from the chemo/head lice/head shaving problem I had a few months back. I thought these would help her look more like a little girl. When they came, I was even more thrilled! Kathryn had made all the bows in exactly the colors and patterns I wanted and they were fabulous! On top of that, she sent two Christmas bows, too! YAY! (Don't tell LittleSister - I'll put them in her stocking)

On Sunday, I asked LittleSister if she wanted to wear her pretty new hair clips to church and she said "Yeah!! YAY!!" I took that to mean she liked the idea, and stuck a clip in her hair.
"Ooh, I am pwetties!"

And here it comes!

I knew this was gonna happen. She will NOT leave it in her hair! It's perfectly made. The clips are small and tight and there's even velcro inside to keep it from slipping. I thought for sure they'd work. But they didn't. She keeps pulling them out. We lost her clip three times just during church.

We'll keep trying to teach her to leave in her pretties, but in the meantime ...

They look darn cute on Mommy!

Thanks Kathryn. I really do love them, and hope she'll leave them in soon, because they look adorable on her!

And in other news ... lol!

My friend, Susan, on the message board is a talented seamstress and is always making new, cool creations. We've often told her on the board that she ought to be selling her stuff instead of giving it away. She finally took our advice! She just opened her own Etsy shop! YAY!!

Anyway - she had posted on the board and on her blog about a dress she had made for another Boardie's grand daughter, and I had commented on how jealous I was, because I LOVE handmade clothes! I can't sew, and I can't afford anything on Etsy, but I LOOOOVE handmade girl clothes! She emailed me and asked what colors LittleSister liked and if I had any preferences. "mmm, no, just love clothes, thanks!" A few days later, this post appeared on her blog. Oh YAY!!

So here it is! LittleSister's very own Darling Petunia original. I love it so very much! Thank you, Susan. I'm keeping it forever! You are amazing!
Without a shirt, but with pants underneath. LittleSister wouldn't look at me and smile, so I turned off the tv and moved her to a blank wall.
That's a little better.

With a shirt she also got for her birthday - isn't it awesome?! I love how the lavender shirt brings out the lavender stripes in the dress. So cute!

Home again, Home again ...

2008-11-17T17:10:00.000-08:00

jiggity jig.

YAY for easier chemo!

I will be doing Taxol and Carboplatin.

The schedule is one day every three weeks for 5 (or 6) hours. I will probably do 6 rounds, but it'll depend on what the CT Scan says halfway through.

I go in Friday at 12:30 for my first treatment. Then I get two Fridays off, then I go back. Repeat X 6.

That's freakin' NOTHING compared to what I was doing last time, so I'm pleased.

REALLY pleased. So pleased that the receptionist complimented my dancing on the way out. (No, really, she did!)

I also got my blood drawn and my flu shot while I was there.

I'll let ya know how Friday goes.

Doctor today - boo!

2008-11-17T09:11:00.001-08:00

Today is the day I go in for my post-op check up.

When I went in to get the staples removed, I saw the Nurse Practitioner. Today I'll see my gyn/onc.

When I was in for the staples, the NP told me to "Be prepared to start chemo THAT day, or some time that week." So I'll either have chemo today or I won't. We'll see.

BigSister is at school. Steve's at work. Joanna is coming to watch the Littles. Nyla is coming to take me to the doctor.

I've been nauseous since Friday. I don't know if I ate something bad, caught a bug, or if it's just nerves. It's annoying as all get out, though. I wanted to feel a little normal before I had to start chemo again. Feeling sick before chemo makes me sick - not my idea of a good plan.

LittleSister had her birthday last week. I haven't posted pictures, yet. Every time I pulled up my blog to update, all I wanted to do was whine and cry about poor me and my stupid cancer. So I skipped it - because no one wants to read that.

I don't want to go today. I don't want to do chemo. I don't want to have cancer. I don't want to ruin the holidays by being sick.

I'll go. I'll do every last drop of chemo. I WILL beat this cancer. I WILL live to see my children grown. I will.

But I hate it and I don't want to go. I want to stay home and act like I'm healthy. I want to hide under the bed and cry about how unfair it is.

But I won't. I'll pretend I'm a grown-up just for today. I'll fix my hair and put on some clothes and go see the doctor. I'll sit still like a big girl and let them give me chemo. I'll smile and joke and act like I'm ok. I'll tell them about my friend Jesus. I'll tell them how God is going to heal me. And I'll show them how God holds my hand and gets me through.

Because He always does.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

Rarely cooking

2008-11-13T11:03:00.000-08:00

To say I haven't cooked much since the surgery would be an understatement. I've only cooked three times, and it's been almost a month. Shame on me.

I loaded up my pictures today, for those of you who like to follow my kitchen adventures, and realized that out of the 3 meals, I've only taken 2 pictures. Pttthhh!

So here they are!

Sauteed onions to go with the steak (not pictured)
and homemade applesauce from the same night.

I've decided that I prefer to make my own applesauce rather than buy jarred from the store. When I make it myself I can use splenda, which means Steve can eat it, too. (He's pre-diabetic - for those who don't know - so he doesn't eat sugar anymore. At least none that we can avoid) It also tastes WAY better. It's really easy, too. :o)

Last night I made chicken noodle soup. It was SO yummy. BigSister ate 3 bowls, Steve ate 2, took some for lunch today, and complimented me several times. Which is HUGE from him, because he's not a soup eater. Uncle Mike had some even though he'd just had dinner. He even told me "This is really good. I'd eat more if I wasn't so full." The Littles ... yeah ... they're ridiculous. Neither of them would eat it. They just picked out the carrots. Argh!

Now you know what's been going on in my kitchen. Nothing much!

Hope you all have a super-tasty day!